We only do what we want to do...

There are several things that I could write about now, but I'll stick to the most recent and pervading thought in my mind (as of yesterday mind you...whoever you are).

I was talking with two very important people in my life on skype yesterday and towards the end of the conversation it came around to talking about healthy boundaries and healthy space in a particular relationship in my life. I agreed with what they were saying, knowing that would be best and then I said, "I know...I just need to actually do it." They replied with, "We only do what we want to do...no one does what they don't really want to do." I couldn't nod in agreement, I really didn't know how to react. Am I really doing something that I truly want to do? Do I really want to continue down this path in this relationship? Was he saying that I will never do anything that I do not want to do? I'm not so sure. These thoughts and questions have been floating in my mind ever since it was said, even keeping me awake at night. Have I always done what I wanted to do? I know there have been times in my life where I have done something and been thinking, "I don't want to do this...but I'm doing it." How does something like that fit in?

Maybe I could say the same thing in the context of this relationship situation. "I don't want to do this...but I'm doing it." Whether that means I'm continuing down this unhealthy-for-me road or whether I attempt to set and stick to boundaries...that phrase could be said. And once again begs the penetrating question, "What do I want?"

The language of missing

So today was yet another rough day at the ranch. I don't like it here, many more days like this and I don't think I'm going to stay. I'm really missing people. More than I ever have experienced before and it's painful. I don't like the feeling. But there was a new spin put on my feelings today that I think is going to be important for me to remember.

Love is the language of missing. To truly miss someone means that I really love them, I value them and they are important to me. If I never missed them, that probably means that the relationship wasn't healthy or good for me. I deeply love those that I'm missing right now, and I must trust (to a certain extent) that they love me back. I've never known what this emotion has felt like and it's really throwing me. My heart hurts. I feel this so deeply that it's starting to consume me and it's making it really hard for me to give of myself here. Not to mention all other things that are consuming my mind from the past few weeks and months that make it so difficult to focus.

I sound like I'm complaining and using those things as a crutch. That's not what I want. I'm just trying to be honest about how I feel and not run from it this time. Facing things is hard, it's work, but it just might be worth it this time around.

California...rest in peace?

Those are the only song lyrics that came to my head at the time. Forgive me.

I made it to California. Not only that, but CEM in Grass Valley. I drove here with Mikyla (Ky) who is one of my best friends. It was quite the experience to drive all the way from Michigan and it went a lot faster than I thought it would. It was a lot of fun but I had to drop her off at the airport yesterday morning which was a doozy. I took my time heading back to the ranch, not sure how I was feeling about the whole thing. I was alright yesterday but today is a different story.

I'm having a really difficult time today. Feeling more depressed than I have in a while and I just feel so lonely. I don't know where anything is, the staff is distant in light of recent events on the ranch prior to my arrival and everything is brand new. Normally, I'd just jump right in, ready to redefine myself...but this time around it's different. I'm tired of putting on the front and hiding behind it. I want to be known, but no one knows me here. And with things going on in my life recently, it's really difficult for me to be surrounded by people who don't know me. They don't know what's been going on so I have no outlet other than those at home which I have limited access to. I know I need to give it time, I'm just so impatient. And for the first time, I actually miss people that are important to me. Yeah, I said it...I MISS people. I can count on one hand the people that I actually miss and that is a big deal for me. Just making it harder to be here.

I keep reminding myself that I only have to be here for the next 3 months. Granted, when the students ask me how long I'm staying I say "well, maybe a year or so..." and I cross my fingers, hoping they don't cling to that. My heart longs to find a home and longs to be known. I just hope this is the right place for me, I'm really second guessing that right now. I hope I can make connections here, on some level. I hope the people that mean the world to me don't forget about me. Don't leave me hanging or abandon me. I want them to stick around...shoot, maybe I need them to stick around. At least that's what it feels like.

Blog, I have a feeling we'll be getting closer over the next few months. We'll see...

Woah, this song...

Listening to Pandora as I write a paper and my ears tune in as this song comes on. Random chance? Probably not. Listen to the lyrics, music video = meh.

Stephen Colbert covers Rebecca Black's "Friday"

I think this is hilarious. If you haven't seen the Rebecca Black music video of her new "hit" single Friday, you might not get it. Check it out. Laugh a little or something.

Obama releases birth video?

My prof decided to show this at the beginning of our class today. Definitely tuition money well spent :-)

The Kings Speech

So I just watched this movie, "The Kings Speech," and was quite impressed. I thought it was going to be kind of slow and that it wouldn't add up to all the hype it received, but I was pleasantly surprised.

It's was one of those movies that holds significance to me in certain ways (no, I've never had to deal with stammering or stuttering) and maybe that's why I liked it as much as I did. But there were specifically two one-liners that stuck out to me. To give a little background, the Duke of York becomes King George VI and has a very difficult time speaking clearly because he stammers and stutters. He finds help from a man, Dr. Lionel, who coaches him through his impairment. At one point in the movie during a conversation Lionel and King George were having he reveals that he has struggled with this stammering problem since he was about 5 years old. As the conversation progresses, Lionel tells him, "You don't have to be afraid of what you were when you were five."


In another scene toward the end of the movie, Lionel is trying to get the King to work on his big speech (the one in which he accepts the throne and all that jazz) but the King is getting frustrated and does not want to try. Lionel sits on the throne which is extremely significant. The King turns around and begins yelling at him because it is completely inappropriate for him to be sitting in this "sacred" place. Lionel pesters the King with question after question, only making his temper flare more rapidly when Lionel yells, "Well why does it matter?!" and the King replies with, "BECAUSE I HAVE A VOICE!" That was the point that Lionel was trying to get across all along.

So...with that jumbled mess of explanation, basically all I wanted to say was, "You don't have to be afraid of what you were when you were five" and "I HAVE A VOICE!" Fears do not stay and cripple, I have a voice, and what I have to say is significant.

Lena Horne Quote

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it."

-Lena Horne

I saw this quote as I was watching the Oscars this year, random place to find this quote that stuck with me but here it is. At first I didn't agree with it, but after some time and journaling and thinking...it's more true to me now than it was before. My perspective is shifting and I find truth in this quote. A load is just a load until it's breaking your back and you can't stand up. I'm learning (very slowly, that's for sure) that those you trust can help carry the load with you and they can even take parts of it for you and hold onto it for a little while. It's a very difficult thing that I am learning, after years of being "trained" one way, transformation doesn't happen over night. It may not be easy or fun or enjoyable, in fact, it's not really any of those things. But it does happen.

Concert Silence

So, this random thought popped into my head over the weekend as I was at a concert in Ann Arbor with a few friends of mine. Before the concert started, people are mingling, getting drinks, etc. and I'm just sitting and watching people, evesdropping on the conversation behind me when I begin to notice that several people have their phone out to text, or their ipod out or some other form of technology. While watching these people, I notice that most of them aren't talking to their friend sitting next to them, instead they are engrossed in whatever is on the screen they put in front of their face.

Now, I may be wrong, but 10 years ago I don't think this sort of thing would have been happening as much. Even 5 years ago maybe. Made me think ahead a little...10 years from now, will the time between the doors opening and a concert starting become, silent? Will there be quiet people with screens in their faces, ear buds in their ears and little to no conversation at all? The thought struck me and if that day ever comes, where I go to a concert or some other form of live entertainment and no one is speaking to one another...I will be so sad. It seems foreign to me now, but I wonder if in 10+ years it will just become "the way things are."

Mark 10 - Blind Bartimaeus

I sat through a sermon a couple weeks ago that really struck me. There was so much packed into this for me, but I don't remember it all, so I'll just highlight a few minute points.

The sermon was on the passage in Mark 10 that is about a man named Bartimaeus (let's call him Bart). There were so many good points in the sermon that I'll leave out of this entry, but one that I remember sort of clearly is that in verse 46 it says that he was sitting on the roadside begging. When the pastor went into this a little more he found that Bart was purposely in the way. He was in the road, in the way of Jesus and where he was walking, almost begging for attention. There was no way to ignore him. Bart is called over to Jesus and asked a very direct question, "What do you want me to do for you?" 

Woah. Lately, I've been a intrigued with the questions that Jesus asks. Usually it's straight to the point, no beating around the bush and it requires a very direct, point-blank response from the person being asked. What if Bart didn't know what he wanted? What if, instead of replying with exactly what he wanted Jesus to do for him ("Rabbi, I want to see"), he replied with, "Rabbi, I really don't know." But, asking those questions really doesn't matter all that much because he did know exactly what he wanted and he told Jesus about it. He was bold enough to say it. Why? Because he had been blind for so long he didn't have to debate with himself about wanting to see. He was tired of it. He wanted a change. The pain brought him to the place where he knew exactly what he wanted, no questions. He got beyond the fear and anxiety and went for it, without looking back (no pun intended). Real change comes from outside ourselves. He couldn't keep struggling because it wasn't helping anyway.

And, to top it all off, when he was calling out to Jesus, he wasn't using the right name. He didn't refer to Jesus the "right" way...in other words, he was wrong about Jesus. He had the wrong idea, the wrong assumption, the wrong picture. But...something the pastor said that stuck was, "You don't have to be right about Jesus, to get help from Jesus."

After that, there's not much else to say.

How He Loves - A Story from John Mark McMillan

 

One of my core students sent me this video on a whim (coincidence? maybe not). I don't think he knows how deeply this spoke to me.

Painting Trees

I've had this thing lately with painting different forms of trees. Acrylics on stretched canvas panels. Not really sure what that means, but that's all I've had the desire to paint over the last few months. Its the only thing I have a vision of when I go to put the brush to paint and then onto the canvas. Every tree looks different, and really, maybe it doesn't look exactly like a tree. Although, no tree is the same. The last 3 that I've painted have been black trees with sweet sky backdrops. It's like when the sun is setting out my back window and the trees look black because the light shines from a different direction that doesn't give them any color.

There's just something so simple, so unique to me about trees. Sounds a little spacey and weird maybe but it's like they never stop growing. They shed leaves in the fall, re-grow in the spring. They get damaged and cut but can patch themselves up over time. The roots go deep into the soil and no one can see them. But the roots, those are what nurture the trees growth. Some roots are strong and above the ground while others are smaller, fatter, longer, shorter than others and are hidden underground so no one can see them. The roots are hard to get to. Trees are everywhere, though not one is the exact same as another.

Anyway, random thought blabberings about trees and my weird tendency toward painting them lately.

Cedar Bend

It's been a while and there's so much that I could write about. For now though, I'll stick to copying part of a journal entry from last weekend.

(February 12, 2011)
Morning - I love Cedar Bend. I was thinking last night as I went snowshoeing with some people...this is a safe place for me. I just love being here. I really feel at home here. Cedar Bend is a place where I feel the most okay.
Evening - After spending the day outside doing fun stuff, wasting energy, I came back and took a shower, read some and tried to lay down for a bit to some worship music. Something not typical for me, but for some reason, it feels more okay here. Alice came up to the room to find me and Kim. She invited us to come over to the house tonight after we had our group chapel. I was hesitant to go because I would normally keep myself at a distance to safeguard myself from the hurt I'm already feeling about leaving this place. But I went anyways. Went out on a limb and was reminded of a question I was asked at the beginning of this year, "What if you only had one year to live...then what? Would you grow close to people or distance yourself and run away?" So we went and it was so bittersweet. Much more sweet in the beginning and way bitter when we decided to leave. There's just something about this place that has a piece of me, it holds parts of my heart. Sounds cheesy maybe, but it's true. I've learned so much here, its safe to grow here, its comfortable and I'm at ease. I can simply be here if I want to. Every single time I've come here it seems that God says something to me that I always remember. Or he reminds me of something that I'll never forget. The lessons learned, Gods words discovered and walls broken down here are so priceless. I can't even explain it really. This place, Dan and Alice, have given so much to me that I could never give back enough to say thank you.

When I was here last, in the fall with my newest core group, my instructor said something about meeting people like Dan and Alice. Like they possess something that he wants. I get that now. I understand what he meant. There's not really a way to describe what it is exactly but there is definitely something. I can't get enough of it. I want to stay and be a part of it. I don't want to know what it's like to finally leave it but unfortunately, I need to. How do I let go of the one place in the world that I feel at home? Comfortable. Safe. Myself. Peace. Security. It's like the world stops here and nothing can interfere with how I feel. Nothing touches me here. It's so big here, so silent. So removed. Like nowhere I've ever been. I can only pray that I can find this place, somewhere else. I can only hope that I will take Cedar Bend with me and that I will be able to find peace, security and comfort in the memory of it. I can only hope that this isn't a "goodbye" but instead a "see ya later." I don't want to walk away from this place where I've found a home. 

Skepticism vs. Cynicism

I went to the Faith and International Development Conference this weekend at Calvin College. I feel that I did not learn as much as I did last year, but that is to be expected I guess with attending the same conference twice. Anyhow, one of the breakout sessions I went to was with Compassion International and Scott Todd spoke. I thought that the things he had to say were very moving and well said, but there was one thing that stood out to me.

He mentioned in the beginning of his presentation that he was a skeptic. When he was a young toddler his mother gave him the nickname "the judge" because he was always serious and never smiled. He went onto explain that there was a difference between being a skeptic and a cynic and it is important to not confuse the two. He said that a cynic is someone who stays in the negative, maybe they even thrive in it while a skeptic is someone who naturally doubts or has a questioning attitude about things that are normally taken at face value. I had never really thought about the difference between the two and it made me wonder which form I side with. I'd like to think that I'm more of a skeptic but when I google def'd the word cynic, I saw things like, "a cynical feeling of distrust," "a person who believes people are motivated by selfishness," and "someone who is critical of the motives of others." I will admit that I think this way sometimes. I have a generally distrusting attitude toward people and I question people's motives more often than not. But, I'm also skeptical of the information I hear and what people tell me but, is it because I'm a cynic that I naturally doubt and have a questioning attitude. Are these two qualities interchangable? How do I make the distinction?

Anyway, that for sure wasn't the point of his entire presentation but it stuck out to me and I figured it was worth tossing around in this little box. More about the conference later I'm sure.

What.a.day.

Definitely an ups and downs kind of day to say the least. It feels like so much happened and I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll say that I'M MOVING TO CALIFORNIA! I got the job with CEM and I'm stoked. Moving June 17th woot woot! So that's big and exciting news and I really can't wait! I excitedly told one of my roommates right after I got off the phone and she started crying tears of joy. I was so thrown back and confused but I think it was a good feeling to know that someone can be right.there.with.me and feel it to their core. Not that crying is the only expression of someones presence and deep sense of feeling for someone, but it definitely was in this case. I also got an entirely opposite reaction from another which wasn't fun to deal with or listen to at all. Especially when this one is in your own family. Whatever.


I got a text tonight that could quite possibly change something big about me. It said, "Here is a free thought...Real power to change our lives comes from being connected to the Source. (John 15: 1-17)" I have yet to look up that passage. I'm gonna maul that one over and get back to it.

Also, last thing before bed...someone apologized to me today. I didn't receive it. I'm still so hurt and so angry at this person. I don't want to go much further into that one, it makes me sick. Plus I don't want this blogging space to become a "I'm-miscellaneously-pissed-at-this-person-for-this-and-that" type thing. so I guess I'll leave it at that.

Estes

On Saturday, Sara, Julie and I went hiking in the Rockies at Estes. Although the fog and snow was blocking the view, it was still beautiful. We literally couldn't see over the cliff when we got to the highest driving point. We drove back down and that was kinda scary. No guardrails, icy roads and the cliff is steep as death. Julie's tires are pretty bald so that probably wasn't the best idea but it was worth the adventure (I say as I'm still breathing).

We hiked to Cub Lake and it was a perfect hike. Flat for the first half mile and then the incline was pretty steady. We could have used snowshoes because thet trail hadn't been used much, but we made it with yaktrax just fine. The trail looked like a winter wonderland. It was beautiful. So much snow on the ground and coming down as we hiked. It was great. I really like being active and going out and doing things like that. I feel alive. I feel free. One thing I have noticed though, every hike we've taken since I've been here it's been harder to get the "clear headed" feeling. Our first few hikes it was awesome, I didn't think about a thing. But these last few hikes have been less "relaxing" and I don't think I've been able to fully enjoy them.

I'm feeling really uneasy about tomorrow. I head to the airport in the morning and I've had a sick feeling in my stomach all day. I couldn't sleep last night. Sara asked me today, "Are you just feeling uneasy about the transition? Leaving here? Or is it more about going there and all the things you have to face?" It's honestly a combination of all of the above. I'm sorta frustrated with myself that I can't seem to feel okay, ever.

Nowhere is safe

Woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach again. I've had trouble falling asleep the last few nights. Today is one of those days that I thought was so far off and now it's finally here and I'm definitely not a fan. When I was writing in my actual journal the other night I wrote this:

I feel like I don't know where to go anymore. I have no "home-base" or safe place to go. Not home, not school, not here. Nowhere is safe. I feel alone in both places, here and SAU. I just don't know which is worse. Being here where I'm physically removed...wait, but I'm not. Is the alone-ness I'm feeling here, better? Everything chases me here, and it does there too but...gosh! I can't even articulate what I'm thinking! Here, it's chasing me and getting closer each day. There, it's even closer it seems. My heart is beating faster the more I think and write about it. My head hurts. I feel like screaming. Do I belong anywhere? Where am I safe? Where is my home?

If I was known by someone...would I feel less alone? Would I feel more safe or less? Would I feel more comfortable in my own skin? What would it look like to open that container thats been sealed as tight as could  be for so long? It's eating at me, it has been for a while now and I don't now how much longer I can take it.

I wrote a little autobiography

So, yesterday I sent in the rest of my application and stuff for CEM, the position I'm applying for after I graduate. I had to write a 5-10 page autobiography and a statement of faith. You'd think that writing a 5-10 page paper about yourself would be easy, but I had a really hard time with it. Before I came out here to Colorado, I had already started this thing 3 different times and hated every draft that I had started writing. I had given myself the deadline that it had to be in the mail yesterday by 5 p.m. I accomplished it, but I literally worked on it all.day.long. I was up early, and I finished it at 3:30 to proofread. It ended up being almost 8 pages, but I think writing it was difficult for a bunch of different reasons. I kept stopping as I was writing and thinking to myself, "There's so much more that I could put in there" or "I can't believe this is my life" or "I really don't want them to know that" and a bunch of other things.

It was weird to read it over before printing it. I was like an outsider looking in on my life knowing that there was a lot more that I could have put in there. I can't even explain it yet. I want to read it over again. I think I realized just how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and open, even on a piece of paper. Granted, I had to send it to people I've never met or seen before in my life but still. I had such a hard time sitting with myself writing that paper. I went back and forth with myself several times about what I should include and what I shouldn't. I really didn't like writing it. I had to remember a lot of things that I've been trying for so long to forget. But I had to write about it because it's shaped me. I feel like at the end of writing it I realized that I have so much work to do. I have so much to become, so much to learn and so much to heal from. I felt more discouraged and depressed after writing it. I felt a greater sense of brokenness. There's a lot that I don't know about myself, a lot that's been covered for so long. Does it need to come out? Yeah, I think so. But when is the time? With whom will I share it? What will come of it? How will I feel when it's out there, on the table, in the open, uncovered?

I'm so afraid. I don't know what it will look like. I can only hope that I will feel a sense of relief. I can only hope that I will know what it feels like to be known by someone. I can only hope that it will bring healing to my life by sharing in a conversation with someone I can trust. Trust. Who is this person? I feel like praying, "God...will you show me what to do with this? I'm terrified, but I'm coming to the end of my rope. I'm crashing and falling faster and faster. Will you please just come to me? I feel like you have gone away from me and you won't return until I decide to let this all go. Is it true? Have you abandoned me?!"

I could go on, but I won't. I get to this point where I feel to open and vulnerable and I start to sense emotion coming over me. I hate emotions. Ugg.

Quote from a professor - Dr. Thomas Holsinger-Friesen

"Sometimes God leaves us alone to recognize our need..."
- Dr. Tom

I've felt this...countless times.
Alone.
Even abandoned.

Could it be true that the God who is supposed to love me, supposed to 'never leave me or forsake me,' supposed to be my strong tower and fortress in time of need and whatever else...leave me, alone?

Believe who people show you they are...?

Today was sort of uneventful. Had a meeting in the morning and basically spent the afternoon running errands and getting other work done. I was pretty productive. But something small stuck out to me today...

Without sharing all unnecessary details, someone said that their old roommate always used to tell them, "Believe who people show you that they are."

I thought about that for a minute and let it pass. But now I'm drawn back to it as I write here. I think it's hard for me to distinguish between who people are showing me they are and basing my belief or opinion of them on my past experiences. Is it really possible to completely believe who people are showing you they are without taking anything else into account? I'm not so sure. I think experience has a lot to do with how we perceive people and the way we interact with them. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't think it's possible to leave everything else out and simply believe who people are, based solely on what they show you.What does that say about me? Maybe that I don't give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that I don't trust people. Maybe that I put too much weight on experiences and past "stuff" when relating to people and thinking about things. Maybe that other people believe and trust too quickly. I guess it could mean a lot of things, just kinda throwing things out there I suppose.

I feel like I end most posts with more questions than answers. I have more thoughts and "maybes" and "what ifs" than I started with. I guess that's a good thing? It's a process and I'm not sure if we ever reach the point of fully arriving. The questions keep us seeking, and the answers we may find draw us back to our questions where we discover more of the unknown and we keep asking. I'm not sure if we ever get out of this cycle, maybe some of us will. But, how do we ever really know...well, anything? Questions aren't always bad, sometimes they are annoying because it seems like they never stop coming or they are never fully answered.

Denver and Vail

The weekend was great. Got a lot to write about with this. I'll try to keep it short (or maybe I won't...I do what I want).

Denver
When we spent time in downtown Denver, I got to meet up with an old friend from high school. I haven't seen her since graduation day, literally. We spent quite a bit of time together in high school, doing band competitions, getting into trouble, whatever else. I was actually supposed to move into an apartment with her and go to GVSU, that was the plan before I visited SAU and it all got turned around. Annnyway...we got to catch up for like an hour or so at the bar and it was cool. It wasn't awkward at all (which I was kind of anticipating) and was actually kinda fun. In the time we spent talking I feel like I could have predicted almost exactly what she would be like. And I was right in my own head. I wonder if I add up to the trajectory other people have put on my future. Am I "turning out" how people, from high school or my past, expected or anticipated that I would? I kind of hope not. 

Vail
We rented snowshoes and went on a hike up the North Trail. We goofed around and had fun taking pictures. We decided to take a break and just sat, looking at the mountains, trees, valley, etc. The silence there is the most welcoming I've ever heard and experienced. Ah (sigh), loved it. Then we "shoed" back down and ran a mile (literally) to catch the gondola to the top of Vail Mountain (over 10,000 ft.). Loved the view from up there as the sun was finishing setting. I love the mountains. One thing I was thinking about today was that I think I came here expecting to feel a sense of freedom and I've gotten some of that. I don't think I've felt as much as I would like but I can still feel it somewhat strongly. Being surrounded by mountains today was so...could I say...healing? Not really sure, but that's the word that comes to mind. I think I needed to come here to "re-center" myself or to figure out if I really want to do all this "soul searching" I've been moving towards over the last however-many months. I think I can say yes to it here, but I'm not sure what it's going to look like when I get back. Will my walls go up again? Will I run and hide out of fear or anxiety? Will everything I'm running from on this trip, just be waiting for me when I walk through my bedroom door? I have a strong feeling that will be true, but I just won't stop running...

Chiastic Structure

So, last night Julie and I went to hang out with some friends in Loveland and we ended up watching an hour-long sermon together. It was on the book of Esther, which I know absolutely nothing about. One of the main points (actually, the only thing I really remember from the sermon) was that the book of Esther has elements of chiastic structure which is basically saying something in reverse order to make a point. Or like, placed in a special symmetrical order or pattern. Anyway, she was giving examples like, "Not live to eat, but eat to live" or JFK's, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country." She was rattling off examples and she's explaining the whole idea an then she was spewing out more unnecessary examples (we already got the idea by this point) and she said, "I'm not scared to fight, I fight because I'm scared."

It hit me. 

Something inside just said, "That's you." I keep going back to that thought. Is it really me though? I know I'm a fighter, but isn't it because I've had to be? I've learned to be? I mean, I guess deep down I feel afraid a lot...but I throw it down so well that I've almost got myself fooled. Does that even make sense? What am I fighting? Myself? God? My past? Emotion? What is it now? What was it then? I'm not even sure that I really want to know the answer to my own questions.

Horsetooth Mountain

 So, the other night...Tuesday I think it was, Julie and I got this adventurous air about us and decided to hike Horsetooth Mountain. It was dark, we had headlamps. Sub-zero temperature. We did the whole thing in 2 hours and 15 minutes. It was quite the hike that's for sure. Our bodies are aching a little. Totally worth freezing our asses off. Literally. We're estimating that once we reached the top it was at least -10, on the ground it was -2 degrees. What an adventure! I'm excited to hike it in the daylight though too. We didn't talk much on the way up, walked single file. I was totally in my element. Once I got in the zone I was all in. Awesome feeling and I really can't remember what I was thinking. Probably a whole lot of nothing for the first time in...I can't remember how long. I was maybe thinking about, just simply...the next step I was going to take. When we got to the top and turned off our headlamps, it was SO cool to see the moon lighting everything. We could see for miles and miles. The cliff was so steep and behind us, the city of Fort Collins lit up. We got to the point in the "trail" where there were no more footprints, so we made our own way to the top. Kinda cool to put our own prints in the snow, more like holes because there the snow was so deep. We took some pictures and when we couldn't feel our hands anymore (which didn't take long!) we booked it back down the mountain. I was exhausted but it was totally worth it. I haven't felt this...good? since...hmm...not really sure.

My brain just seemed to go on auto-pilot and I just simply...was. It was awesome and I can't wait for tonight. We're taking Sara to the airport and Julie are staying in Denver with some friends. Then Friday morning we'll get up and head into the mountains in Vail and hike and snowshoe until we come back on Saturday. I'll be out on the town tonight, havin' a good ol' time! Gotta cut loose. WAH!

What today would have been...

It would have been our 3 year anniversary today. Its so stupid and annoying that I can't stop thinking about it. I remember that day so clearly, 3 years ago. That's all I've been able to be distracted by today so I've tried to swallow myself in work and phone calls and papers and other stuff. I wonder what he's thinking, if it bothers him, what we'd be doing today if we were still together to celebrate. It's so stupid! I'm so angry. I am so glad I'm here instead of on campus. I feel like such a stupid girl. I'm so pissed...but with who? With Michael? With God? With myself? Probably all of the above and then some.

I hate when there are days in our lives that will always (or almost always) have strings tied to them...or should I say chains? I know that this one will fade with time, but I also know that some never do. Maybe it just depends on what happened on that day and how important or how much of an impact it had on you? I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm just sorta frustrated that I can't get it out of my head, I couldn't sleep last night. I'm usually better at this, or maybe I just think I am. Maybe I'm getting worse.

There's no meat to this entry, just kind of a venting session without much of a filter I could go on, but the more I do the more angry I get and the more frustrated I am with myself. This is so stupid. Maybe more to come later, we'll see.

I don't really feel like writing about what we accomplished today, I've been working since 8 a.m. and it's almost 5:30 here. Got some good time in though.

Lame Title

I made it to Colorado.

I'm pretty sure in my last entry I talked about how I was feeling really uneasy going into this whole thing. When I was picked up to head to the airport, I said to the person taking me, "I'm feeling really anxious." They replied, "Well, I guess that gives you something to give to God this morning then huh?" Instead of agreeing, I just sat there and I felt angry. Why do I feel so easily angered when it comes to stuff with God lately? I didn't want to give it up to him. I think to myself, "Psh, yeah right." I held onto it the entire ride and I knew what I was doing. I was adamantly saying a big fat NO to God. What in the heck do I do with that one?

All that seemed to go away once I was dropped off at the airport. I get this "I'm a hard-ass so don't mess with me" attitude and I just go. I love that feeling. There's just something about traveling (by myself especially) that fires me up. Maybe it's the feeling of being independent and strong. I feel accomplished, independent, self-sufficient, strong, and maybe even a little more in-control. Not sure if that really makes any sense at all, but it doesn't really have to. I get it in my own head.

Anyway, been trying not to think about too much since I've been here. I've been successful thus far. I have a lot of work to do this week before Julie, Sara and I head down to Denver to hike and whatnot. I'm definitely looking forward to that. Julie and I went on a hike yesterday and that was really good. It was an easy hike, only about 3 miles, we did it pretty fast though and only stopped to take a few pictures . I really like hiking, probably one of my favorite forms of exercise.

Well, I have a lot more that I could write about, but I won't. I'm tired. Adjusting to the elevation and slight time change is catching up to me I guess. 

Emerson Quote

"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like this quote. That's all.

Departing to Denver

So, tomorrow morning (well, today now) I will be headed to the airport to catch my flight to Denver. I have mixed feelings about it and I'm not exactly sure why. As I was packing my bag and crossing off my lists of the day I realized how torn I was feeling about leaving for the month. I'm excited, sad, afraid, nervous, happy and unsure all at the same time it seems. I was talking to one of my best friends today and I told her that I think part of the reason I'm feeling this uneasiness is because I'm starting to figure out why I leave all the time, why I always feel this intense pull (or push) to be going somewhere. I keep moving because when I'm going somewhere, I don't have to think about all of the "stuff" and I don't have to worry about the dust settling in my soul. But I think I'm to the point where the time between landing somewhere and the dust settling is becoming shorter and shorter.

I think God's got something to say to me.

Not sure if I want to hear it. Maybe it's waiting for me there, maybe it's not. Maybe this timidity is stemming from somewhere else. I feel like I'm just waiting for this big smack in the face or something and I can't really explain it. I probably sound a little crazy but it all makes some sense in my head at least. Am I over analyzing? Am I putting too much into this and not keeping it simple enough? Is this a stirring of some kind? I'm not sure.

I'll wake up in the morning, give myself a pep talk and walk out the door (once again) with my backpack on my back and duffel on my shoulder. I'll look out and face the world that awaits me there.

Two reflections

Always going somewhere. 

That's how I've spent my break. I never fully "settled" anywhere. Living out of my duffel bag and whatever is in my car has never been bad, I've done it quite a bit since I don't really have a safe landing place. But for some reason, I was itching by the end of these last two-ish weeks, to finally land somewhere and stay for a few days. Unfortunately, that's not happening as I'm here for another 2 days and then I'm on a plane to Colorado. Yet at the same time I know that when I'm in one place for an extended period of time, I itch to be on the road or going somewhere again. Anyway, while I was driving on one of my lengthy commutes during this break I was thinking about why I always feel this pull to be going somewhere.

I haven't figured it all out but one thing that came to mind was that I feel more in control, more secure and even more accomplished when I'm going somewhere. I get to decide when I leave, how long I stay, where I'm going next. I feel like I'm doing something important, whether it really is or not, I feel a sense of accomplishment because I'm taking charge and I'm moving on. I can go wherever the hell I want to, whenever I want to and no one really has the power to stop me. Another thought that popped into my mind, one that I don't really want to dwell on for some reason, is that I'm running. I keep moving because I'm afraid that if I'm in one place for too long, something will surface that I have worked so hard and for so long to repress. I keep going, I keep moving, I keep fighting so that nothing can "catch up" with me. I'm realizing that it's becoming harder and harder to keep that stuff at a distance, to keep it anchored to the bottom. But, the chain is getting rusty, the bolts are getting weaker and that stuff is creeping its way to the surface. I'm not cool with that. I feel like I need to go farther away, I need to me gone more than I already am so that nothing can chase me. Nothing can touch me.

I've got a parachute. 

I was sitting with a friend today and we were having a good conversation when she said something that struck me. It was one of those moments where you forget about everything else that was said that bring it up in the first place. She said, "Because home isn't a place you've ever run to and it doesn't build you up...you've learned to place your stock heavily in other relationships. But, it's like you've got a parachute strapped to your back all the time. You're just waiting for something to happen to make you jump again. You know how to burn your bridges at the first sign of hurt." I think I'm still chewing on that one.

Bullet-points

Today wasn't my favorite day. I have so much to blog about but unfortunately I'm not in a place where I can, nor do I have the time. So that I don't forget, I'll bullet point a quick list...

• New Years - resolutions and time passing by
• Anger - that I found today
• Life as a nomad - always going somewhere
• Parameters in relationship - how does it work?
• Finishing that book - "The Road to Daybreak" by Henri Nouwen
• Sunday - church in G-rap 
• When integrity loses

More to come at some point. And yes...pun INtended :-)