Closeness from miles away

Side note:

This thought just came in. I think part of what I'm struggling with now too is that I felt much closer to people while I was 2,000+ miles away. Conversation was better, deeper. I knew what was going on in their lives because we felt a constant need to keep each other "in the loop." Now...I go about my day-to-day and I'm almost afraid to ask the deep questions. To talk about the important stuff in this context because they (parentals, Joe and Laura) have told me that it's not "normal" for those types of conversations to happen all the time. And yeah, I'm not expecting it to happen all the time, but it's so sad to me that I feel more distant now than I did while I was in California. It doesn't make much sense. I need to process this some more.

I just felt like I heard "I love you" more and I knew that they were always thinking of me and that when we'd talk I'd have their full attention. We always made special time to have conversations with just the 3 of us. Now...once the kids are in bed it's like chill time and I don't feel like they want to have a conversation with me. And I don't know how to ask for it. It's like, I don't want to be any more of an inconvenience than I already feel that I am. Plus, I don't get hugs anymore. That's a huge downer that's really hard for me. I don't like it. I can't fix it. Everything just feels messed up and it's frustrating. What am I supposed to do? How do I talk about this with them? Because it's driving me insane and I feel that it needs to be addressed. I just don't know what to do about it because I feel that every time I bring something up that I want or feel that I need, it's like saying what they have done and are doing isn't enough for me. That they have failed me in some way when that's not the case at all. Or even worse, that they can't give me what I'm looking for while I'm here but they could give that to me while I was away. Ugh. I don't know. It's all so confusing and I don't know how to talk about it. More thinking to do I suppose....

Messing it all up

So...still can't get this whole thing outta my head. The piece about not being content. I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. Not only that but the thought that has permeated my mind all day today has been, "Nicole, you're screwing everything up. It's all messed up now."

Where is that thought coming from? Maybe it's coming from the fact that I had a good opportunity out in California and now, what am I doing? NOTHING. I have no job, no source of income, no friends (well, some), I'm not living in adventure. What the hell is the matter with me?! Seriously. I've always been the type to go out, do some crazy shit of an adventure and have the time of my life, leaving nothing behind and just going for it. Now, I can't even stand to live in California for more than six and a half months?! What the hell happened to me?! What changed? Part of me so badly just wants to run away and I'm fighting the urge like none other. It's so intense, the battle inside of me. I can't even describe the tension I'm feeling. It makes me doubt my relationships, my place, what people tell me, if I'm ok, etc. I go through a myriad of emotions just thinking about this "fight or flight" tendency that leans mostly towards flight. But I'm trying so hard to fight the FLIGHT instinct. I notice myself running toward old people, relationships and places that are familiar but not always good. I notice myself getting more impulsive and careless. I don't get it.

What the hell is the matter with me? Why couldn't I have just "stuck it out"? Was I wrong for coming back so soon? Am I going to go insane by living at home and being here? Today, at late lunch with some of my guy friends one of them asked me, "So, you're like, here permanently now?"

Woah. That threw me. Permanently? What the f***?! I've never been permanently ANYWHERE. It scared the shit outta me and I didn't know what to say other than shrug my shoulders and give a half-assed "yeah." This whole thing is totally freaking me out. I don't know what to make of it. It's kinda frustrating. I'm annoyed with myself.

Never content

Alright blog, you're gonna hafta forgive me for not giving you much attention over the last 6 or 7 months. Get over it, I'm getting to the point...

Why can I never be content in ONE place? Seriously. I just moved home from California where I spent the last six and a half months working at a residential counseling facility for at-risk youth. Great right? Yeah. Well, on my way back from the airport this morning after dropping of my "dad" and "grandpa", sending them off to go get my car in California...I realized that my time there was the FIRST time in my LIFE that I have actually planted myself for a decent amount of time. Literally, planted. I only had 20-some hours off a week and couldn't go anywhere. It drove me insane. And although there was a sense of feeling trapped and "caged-in", with that, there also came a sense of freedom. I didn't have to worry about what to do over the weekend, where to go, who to see, what my next move would be if something bad happened or if someone needed me. Everything that was my life, was right. there. All in one place, all at the same time. Crazy isn't it?

Today, much of my thoughts revolved around my experience out there, why I decided to jump on a plane to come home, what I miss, what I hated, what is next for me, what I expect out of being home and learning what it's like to actually "settle in" to a steady family lifestyle...a life where I am loved, I am safe and I belong.
I have a really difficult time believing all three of those things. Particularly, right now, the "I belong" piece feels really shifty. I don't feel that I have a place to belong. I'm so used to running that I haven't really allowed myself to belong...anywhere. Where is my HOME?! I mean, really. Yeah, I call this place home, but lately I don't feel at home. In Cali, I didn't feel at home. In college, I was always going somewhere, booked, busy and bouncing from place to place all the time, I didn't feel at home. And where I grew up...psh, yeah, that's a long ways from feeling like home. Do I really belong anywhere? I don't know how to answer that right now.

As much as I want to use the rest of this blog entry as a sounding board for complaints, negativity and bitterness...I won't. Maybe some other time.