California...rest in peace?

Those are the only song lyrics that came to my head at the time. Forgive me.

I made it to California. Not only that, but CEM in Grass Valley. I drove here with Mikyla (Ky) who is one of my best friends. It was quite the experience to drive all the way from Michigan and it went a lot faster than I thought it would. It was a lot of fun but I had to drop her off at the airport yesterday morning which was a doozy. I took my time heading back to the ranch, not sure how I was feeling about the whole thing. I was alright yesterday but today is a different story.

I'm having a really difficult time today. Feeling more depressed than I have in a while and I just feel so lonely. I don't know where anything is, the staff is distant in light of recent events on the ranch prior to my arrival and everything is brand new. Normally, I'd just jump right in, ready to redefine myself...but this time around it's different. I'm tired of putting on the front and hiding behind it. I want to be known, but no one knows me here. And with things going on in my life recently, it's really difficult for me to be surrounded by people who don't know me. They don't know what's been going on so I have no outlet other than those at home which I have limited access to. I know I need to give it time, I'm just so impatient. And for the first time, I actually miss people that are important to me. Yeah, I said it...I MISS people. I can count on one hand the people that I actually miss and that is a big deal for me. Just making it harder to be here.

I keep reminding myself that I only have to be here for the next 3 months. Granted, when the students ask me how long I'm staying I say "well, maybe a year or so..." and I cross my fingers, hoping they don't cling to that. My heart longs to find a home and longs to be known. I just hope this is the right place for me, I'm really second guessing that right now. I hope I can make connections here, on some level. I hope the people that mean the world to me don't forget about me. Don't leave me hanging or abandon me. I want them to stick around...shoot, maybe I need them to stick around. At least that's what it feels like.

Blog, I have a feeling we'll be getting closer over the next few months. We'll see...