Cedar Bend

It's been a while and there's so much that I could write about. For now though, I'll stick to copying part of a journal entry from last weekend.

(February 12, 2011)
Morning - I love Cedar Bend. I was thinking last night as I went snowshoeing with some people...this is a safe place for me. I just love being here. I really feel at home here. Cedar Bend is a place where I feel the most okay.
Evening - After spending the day outside doing fun stuff, wasting energy, I came back and took a shower, read some and tried to lay down for a bit to some worship music. Something not typical for me, but for some reason, it feels more okay here. Alice came up to the room to find me and Kim. She invited us to come over to the house tonight after we had our group chapel. I was hesitant to go because I would normally keep myself at a distance to safeguard myself from the hurt I'm already feeling about leaving this place. But I went anyways. Went out on a limb and was reminded of a question I was asked at the beginning of this year, "What if you only had one year to live...then what? Would you grow close to people or distance yourself and run away?" So we went and it was so bittersweet. Much more sweet in the beginning and way bitter when we decided to leave. There's just something about this place that has a piece of me, it holds parts of my heart. Sounds cheesy maybe, but it's true. I've learned so much here, its safe to grow here, its comfortable and I'm at ease. I can simply be here if I want to. Every single time I've come here it seems that God says something to me that I always remember. Or he reminds me of something that I'll never forget. The lessons learned, Gods words discovered and walls broken down here are so priceless. I can't even explain it really. This place, Dan and Alice, have given so much to me that I could never give back enough to say thank you.

When I was here last, in the fall with my newest core group, my instructor said something about meeting people like Dan and Alice. Like they possess something that he wants. I get that now. I understand what he meant. There's not really a way to describe what it is exactly but there is definitely something. I can't get enough of it. I want to stay and be a part of it. I don't want to know what it's like to finally leave it but unfortunately, I need to. How do I let go of the one place in the world that I feel at home? Comfortable. Safe. Myself. Peace. Security. It's like the world stops here and nothing can interfere with how I feel. Nothing touches me here. It's so big here, so silent. So removed. Like nowhere I've ever been. I can only pray that I can find this place, somewhere else. I can only hope that I will take Cedar Bend with me and that I will be able to find peace, security and comfort in the memory of it. I can only hope that this isn't a "goodbye" but instead a "see ya later." I don't want to walk away from this place where I've found a home.