Definitely an ups and downs kind of day to say the least. It feels like so much happened and I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll say that I'M MOVING TO CALIFORNIA! I got the job with CEM and I'm stoked. Moving June 17th woot woot! So that's big and exciting news and I really can't wait! I excitedly told one of my roommates right after I got off the phone and she started crying tears of joy. I was so thrown back and confused but I think it was a good feeling to know that someone can be right.there.with.me and feel it to their core. Not that crying is the only expression of someones presence and deep sense of feeling for someone, but it definitely was in this case. I also got an entirely opposite reaction from another which wasn't fun to deal with or listen to at all. Especially when this one is in your own family. Whatever.
I got a text tonight that could quite possibly change something big about me. It said, "Here is a free thought...Real power to change our lives comes from being connected to the Source. (John 15: 1-17)" I have yet to look up that passage. I'm gonna maul that one over and get back to it.
Also, last thing before bed...someone apologized to me today. I didn't receive it. I'm still so hurt and so angry at this person. I don't want to go much further into that one, it makes me sick. Plus I don't want this blogging space to become a "I'm-miscellaneously-pissed-at-this-person-for-this-and-that" type thing. so I guess I'll leave it at that.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Estes
On Saturday, Sara, Julie and I went hiking in the Rockies at Estes. Although the fog and snow was blocking the view, it was still beautiful. We literally couldn't see over the cliff when we got to the highest driving point. We drove back down and that was kinda scary. No guardrails, icy roads and the cliff is steep as death. Julie's tires are pretty bald so that probably wasn't the best idea but it was worth the adventure (I say as I'm still breathing).
We hiked to Cub Lake and it was a perfect hike. Flat for the first half mile and then the incline was pretty steady. We could have used snowshoes because thet trail hadn't been used much, but we made it with yaktrax just fine. The trail looked like a winter wonderland. It was beautiful. So much snow on the ground and coming down as we hiked. It was great. I really like being active and going out and doing things like that. I feel alive. I feel free. One thing I have noticed though, every hike we've taken since I've been here it's been harder to get the "clear headed" feeling. Our first few hikes it was awesome, I didn't think about a thing. But these last few hikes have been less "relaxing" and I don't think I've been able to fully enjoy them.
I'm feeling really uneasy about tomorrow. I head to the airport in the morning and I've had a sick feeling in my stomach all day. I couldn't sleep last night. Sara asked me today, "Are you just feeling uneasy about the transition? Leaving here? Or is it more about going there and all the things you have to face?" It's honestly a combination of all of the above. I'm sorta frustrated with myself that I can't seem to feel okay, ever.
I'm feeling really uneasy about tomorrow. I head to the airport in the morning and I've had a sick feeling in my stomach all day. I couldn't sleep last night. Sara asked me today, "Are you just feeling uneasy about the transition? Leaving here? Or is it more about going there and all the things you have to face?" It's honestly a combination of all of the above. I'm sorta frustrated with myself that I can't seem to feel okay, ever.
Nowhere is safe
Woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach again. I've had trouble falling asleep the last few nights. Today is one of those days that I thought was so far off and now it's finally here and I'm definitely not a fan. When I was writing in my actual journal the other night I wrote this:
I feel like I don't know where to go anymore. I have no "home-base" or safe place to go. Not home, not school, not here. Nowhere is safe. I feel alone in both places, here and SAU. I just don't know which is worse. Being here where I'm physically removed...wait, but I'm not. Is the alone-ness I'm feeling here, better? Everything chases me here, and it does there too but...gosh! I can't even articulate what I'm thinking! Here, it's chasing me and getting closer each day. There, it's even closer it seems. My heart is beating faster the more I think and write about it. My head hurts. I feel like screaming. Do I belong anywhere? Where am I safe? Where is my home?
If I was known by someone...would I feel less alone? Would I feel more safe or less? Would I feel more comfortable in my own skin? What would it look like to open that container thats been sealed as tight as could be for so long? It's eating at me, it has been for a while now and I don't now how much longer I can take it.
I feel like I don't know where to go anymore. I have no "home-base" or safe place to go. Not home, not school, not here. Nowhere is safe. I feel alone in both places, here and SAU. I just don't know which is worse. Being here where I'm physically removed...wait, but I'm not. Is the alone-ness I'm feeling here, better? Everything chases me here, and it does there too but...gosh! I can't even articulate what I'm thinking! Here, it's chasing me and getting closer each day. There, it's even closer it seems. My heart is beating faster the more I think and write about it. My head hurts. I feel like screaming. Do I belong anywhere? Where am I safe? Where is my home?
If I was known by someone...would I feel less alone? Would I feel more safe or less? Would I feel more comfortable in my own skin? What would it look like to open that container thats been sealed as tight as could be for so long? It's eating at me, it has been for a while now and I don't now how much longer I can take it.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I wrote a little autobiography
So, yesterday I sent in the rest of my application and stuff for CEM, the position I'm applying for after I graduate. I had to write a 5-10 page autobiography and a statement of faith. You'd think that writing a 5-10 page paper about yourself would be easy, but I had a really hard time with it. Before I came out here to Colorado, I had already started this thing 3 different times and hated every draft that I had started writing. I had given myself the deadline that it had to be in the mail yesterday by 5 p.m. I accomplished it, but I literally worked on it all.day.long. I was up early, and I finished it at 3:30 to proofread. It ended up being almost 8 pages, but I think writing it was difficult for a bunch of different reasons. I kept stopping as I was writing and thinking to myself, "There's so much more that I could put in there" or "I can't believe this is my life" or "I really don't want them to know that" and a bunch of other things.
It was weird to read it over before printing it. I was like an outsider looking in on my life knowing that there was a lot more that I could have put in there. I can't even explain it yet. I want to read it over again. I think I realized just how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and open, even on a piece of paper. Granted, I had to send it to people I've never met or seen before in my life but still. I had such a hard time sitting with myself writing that paper. I went back and forth with myself several times about what I should include and what I shouldn't. I really didn't like writing it. I had to remember a lot of things that I've been trying for so long to forget. But I had to write about it because it's shaped me. I feel like at the end of writing it I realized that I have so much work to do. I have so much to become, so much to learn and so much to heal from. I felt more discouraged and depressed after writing it. I felt a greater sense of brokenness. There's a lot that I don't know about myself, a lot that's been covered for so long. Does it need to come out? Yeah, I think so. But when is the time? With whom will I share it? What will come of it? How will I feel when it's out there, on the table, in the open, uncovered?
I'm so afraid. I don't know what it will look like. I can only hope that I will feel a sense of relief. I can only hope that I will know what it feels like to be known by someone. I can only hope that it will bring healing to my life by sharing in a conversation with someone I can trust. Trust. Who is this person? I feel like praying, "God...will you show me what to do with this? I'm terrified, but I'm coming to the end of my rope. I'm crashing and falling faster and faster. Will you please just come to me? I feel like you have gone away from me and you won't return until I decide to let this all go. Is it true? Have you abandoned me?!"
I could go on, but I won't. I get to this point where I feel to open and vulnerable and I start to sense emotion coming over me. I hate emotions. Ugg.
It was weird to read it over before printing it. I was like an outsider looking in on my life knowing that there was a lot more that I could have put in there. I can't even explain it yet. I want to read it over again. I think I realized just how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and open, even on a piece of paper. Granted, I had to send it to people I've never met or seen before in my life but still. I had such a hard time sitting with myself writing that paper. I went back and forth with myself several times about what I should include and what I shouldn't. I really didn't like writing it. I had to remember a lot of things that I've been trying for so long to forget. But I had to write about it because it's shaped me. I feel like at the end of writing it I realized that I have so much work to do. I have so much to become, so much to learn and so much to heal from. I felt more discouraged and depressed after writing it. I felt a greater sense of brokenness. There's a lot that I don't know about myself, a lot that's been covered for so long. Does it need to come out? Yeah, I think so. But when is the time? With whom will I share it? What will come of it? How will I feel when it's out there, on the table, in the open, uncovered?
I'm so afraid. I don't know what it will look like. I can only hope that I will feel a sense of relief. I can only hope that I will know what it feels like to be known by someone. I can only hope that it will bring healing to my life by sharing in a conversation with someone I can trust. Trust. Who is this person? I feel like praying, "God...will you show me what to do with this? I'm terrified, but I'm coming to the end of my rope. I'm crashing and falling faster and faster. Will you please just come to me? I feel like you have gone away from me and you won't return until I decide to let this all go. Is it true? Have you abandoned me?!"
I could go on, but I won't. I get to this point where I feel to open and vulnerable and I start to sense emotion coming over me. I hate emotions. Ugg.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Quote from a professor - Dr. Thomas Holsinger-Friesen
"Sometimes God leaves us alone to recognize our need..."
- Dr. Tom
- Dr. Tom
I've felt this...countless times.
Alone.
Even abandoned.
Could it be true that the God who is supposed to love me, supposed to 'never leave me or forsake me,' supposed to be my strong tower and fortress in time of need and whatever else...leave me, alone?
Believe who people show you they are...?
Today was sort of uneventful. Had a meeting in the morning and basically spent the afternoon running errands and getting other work done. I was pretty productive. But something small stuck out to me today...
Without sharing all unnecessary details, someone said that their old roommate always used to tell them, "Believe who people show you that they are."
I thought about that for a minute and let it pass. But now I'm drawn back to it as I write here. I think it's hard for me to distinguish between who people are showing me they are and basing my belief or opinion of them on my past experiences. Is it really possible to completely believe who people are showing you they are without taking anything else into account? I'm not so sure. I think experience has a lot to do with how we perceive people and the way we interact with them. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't think it's possible to leave everything else out and simply believe who people are, based solely on what they show you.What does that say about me? Maybe that I don't give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that I don't trust people. Maybe that I put too much weight on experiences and past "stuff" when relating to people and thinking about things. Maybe that other people believe and trust too quickly. I guess it could mean a lot of things, just kinda throwing things out there I suppose.
I feel like I end most posts with more questions than answers. I have more thoughts and "maybes" and "what ifs" than I started with. I guess that's a good thing? It's a process and I'm not sure if we ever reach the point of fully arriving. The questions keep us seeking, and the answers we may find draw us back to our questions where we discover more of the unknown and we keep asking. I'm not sure if we ever get out of this cycle, maybe some of us will. But, how do we ever really know...well, anything? Questions aren't always bad, sometimes they are annoying because it seems like they never stop coming or they are never fully answered.
Without sharing all unnecessary details, someone said that their old roommate always used to tell them, "Believe who people show you that they are."
I thought about that for a minute and let it pass. But now I'm drawn back to it as I write here. I think it's hard for me to distinguish between who people are showing me they are and basing my belief or opinion of them on my past experiences. Is it really possible to completely believe who people are showing you they are without taking anything else into account? I'm not so sure. I think experience has a lot to do with how we perceive people and the way we interact with them. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't think it's possible to leave everything else out and simply believe who people are, based solely on what they show you.What does that say about me? Maybe that I don't give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that I don't trust people. Maybe that I put too much weight on experiences and past "stuff" when relating to people and thinking about things. Maybe that other people believe and trust too quickly. I guess it could mean a lot of things, just kinda throwing things out there I suppose.
I feel like I end most posts with more questions than answers. I have more thoughts and "maybes" and "what ifs" than I started with. I guess that's a good thing? It's a process and I'm not sure if we ever reach the point of fully arriving. The questions keep us seeking, and the answers we may find draw us back to our questions where we discover more of the unknown and we keep asking. I'm not sure if we ever get out of this cycle, maybe some of us will. But, how do we ever really know...well, anything? Questions aren't always bad, sometimes they are annoying because it seems like they never stop coming or they are never fully answered.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Denver and Vail
The weekend was great. Got a lot to write about with this. I'll try to keep it short (or maybe I won't...I do what I want).
Denver
When we spent time in downtown Denver, I got to meet up with an old friend from high school. I haven't seen her since graduation day, literally. We spent quite a bit of time together in high school, doing band competitions, getting into trouble, whatever else. I was actually supposed to move into an apartment with her and go to GVSU, that was the plan before I visited SAU and it all got turned around. Annnyway...we got to catch up for like an hour or so at the bar and it was cool. It wasn't awkward at all (which I was kind of anticipating) and was actually kinda fun. In the time we spent talking I feel like I could have predicted almost exactly what she would be like. And I was right in my own head. I wonder if I add up to the trajectory other people have put on my future. Am I "turning out" how people, from high school or my past, expected or anticipated that I would? I kind of hope not.
Vail
We rented snowshoes and went on a hike up the North Trail. We goofed around and had fun taking pictures. We decided to take a break and just sat, looking at the mountains, trees, valley, etc. The silence there is the most welcoming I've ever heard and experienced. Ah (sigh), loved it. Then we "shoed" back down and ran a mile (literally) to catch the gondola to the top of Vail Mountain (over 10,000 ft.). Loved the view from up there as the sun was finishing setting. I love the mountains. One thing I was thinking about today was that I think I came here expecting to feel a sense of freedom and I've gotten some of that. I don't think I've felt as much as I would like but I can still feel it somewhat strongly. Being surrounded by mountains today was so...could I say...healing? Not really sure, but that's the word that comes to mind. I think I needed to come here to "re-center" myself or to figure out if I really want to do all this "soul searching" I've been moving towards over the last however-many months. I think I can say yes to it here, but I'm not sure what it's going to look like when I get back. Will my walls go up again? Will I run and hide out of fear or anxiety? Will everything I'm running from on this trip, just be waiting for me when I walk through my bedroom door? I have a strong feeling that will be true, but I just won't stop running...
Denver
When we spent time in downtown Denver, I got to meet up with an old friend from high school. I haven't seen her since graduation day, literally. We spent quite a bit of time together in high school, doing band competitions, getting into trouble, whatever else. I was actually supposed to move into an apartment with her and go to GVSU, that was the plan before I visited SAU and it all got turned around. Annnyway...we got to catch up for like an hour or so at the bar and it was cool. It wasn't awkward at all (which I was kind of anticipating) and was actually kinda fun. In the time we spent talking I feel like I could have predicted almost exactly what she would be like. And I was right in my own head. I wonder if I add up to the trajectory other people have put on my future. Am I "turning out" how people, from high school or my past, expected or anticipated that I would? I kind of hope not. Vail
We rented snowshoes and went on a hike up the North Trail. We goofed around and had fun taking pictures. We decided to take a break and just sat, looking at the mountains, trees, valley, etc. The silence there is the most welcoming I've ever heard and experienced. Ah (sigh), loved it. Then we "shoed" back down and ran a mile (literally) to catch the gondola to the top of Vail Mountain (over 10,000 ft.). Loved the view from up there as the sun was finishing setting. I love the mountains. One thing I was thinking about today was that I think I came here expecting to feel a sense of freedom and I've gotten some of that. I don't think I've felt as much as I would like but I can still feel it somewhat strongly. Being surrounded by mountains today was so...could I say...healing? Not really sure, but that's the word that comes to mind. I think I needed to come here to "re-center" myself or to figure out if I really want to do all this "soul searching" I've been moving towards over the last however-many months. I think I can say yes to it here, but I'm not sure what it's going to look like when I get back. Will my walls go up again? Will I run and hide out of fear or anxiety? Will everything I'm running from on this trip, just be waiting for me when I walk through my bedroom door? I have a strong feeling that will be true, but I just won't stop running...
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Chiastic Structure
So, last night Julie and I went to hang out with some friends in Loveland and we ended up watching an hour-long sermon together. It was on the book of Esther, which I know absolutely nothing about. One of the main points (actually, the only thing I really remember from the sermon) was that the book of Esther has elements of chiastic structure which is basically saying something in reverse order to make a point. Or like, placed in a special symmetrical order or pattern. Anyway, she was giving examples like, "Not live to eat, but eat to live" or JFK's, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country." She was rattling off examples and she's explaining the whole idea an then she was spewing out more unnecessary examples (we already got the idea by this point) and she said, "I'm not scared to fight, I fight because I'm scared."
It hit me.
Something inside just said, "That's you." I keep going back to that thought. Is it really me though? I know I'm a fighter, but isn't it because I've had to be? I've learned to be? I mean, I guess deep down I feel afraid a lot...but I throw it down so well that I've almost got myself fooled. Does that even make sense? What am I fighting? Myself? God? My past? Emotion? What is it now? What was it then? I'm not even sure that I really want to know the answer to my own questions.
It hit me.
Something inside just said, "That's you." I keep going back to that thought. Is it really me though? I know I'm a fighter, but isn't it because I've had to be? I've learned to be? I mean, I guess deep down I feel afraid a lot...but I throw it down so well that I've almost got myself fooled. Does that even make sense? What am I fighting? Myself? God? My past? Emotion? What is it now? What was it then? I'm not even sure that I really want to know the answer to my own questions.
Horsetooth Mountain
My brain just seemed to go on auto-pilot and I just simply...was. It was awesome and I can't wait for tonight. We're taking Sara to the airport and Julie are staying in Denver with some friends. Then Friday morning we'll get up and head into the mountains in Vail and hike and snowshoe until we come back on Saturday. I'll be out on the town tonight, havin' a good ol' time! Gotta cut loose. WAH!Monday, January 10, 2011
What today would have been...
It would have been our 3 year anniversary today. Its so stupid and annoying that I can't stop thinking about it. I remember that day so clearly, 3 years ago. That's all I've been able to be distracted by today so I've tried to swallow myself in work and phone calls and papers and other stuff. I wonder what he's thinking, if it bothers him, what we'd be doing today if we were still together to celebrate. It's so stupid! I'm so angry. I am so glad I'm here instead of on campus. I feel like such a stupid girl. I'm so pissed...but with who? With Michael? With God? With myself? Probably all of the above and then some.
I hate when there are days in our lives that will always (or almost always) have strings tied to them...or should I say chains? I know that this one will fade with time, but I also know that some never do. Maybe it just depends on what happened on that day and how important or how much of an impact it had on you? I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm just sorta frustrated that I can't get it out of my head, I couldn't sleep last night. I'm usually better at this, or maybe I just think I am. Maybe I'm getting worse.
There's no meat to this entry, just kind of a venting session without much of a filter I could go on, but the more I do the more angry I get and the more frustrated I am with myself. This is so stupid. Maybe more to come later, we'll see.
I don't really feel like writing about what we accomplished today, I've been working since 8 a.m. and it's almost 5:30 here. Got some good time in though.
I hate when there are days in our lives that will always (or almost always) have strings tied to them...or should I say chains? I know that this one will fade with time, but I also know that some never do. Maybe it just depends on what happened on that day and how important or how much of an impact it had on you? I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm just sorta frustrated that I can't get it out of my head, I couldn't sleep last night. I'm usually better at this, or maybe I just think I am. Maybe I'm getting worse.
There's no meat to this entry, just kind of a venting session without much of a filter I could go on, but the more I do the more angry I get and the more frustrated I am with myself. This is so stupid. Maybe more to come later, we'll see.
I don't really feel like writing about what we accomplished today, I've been working since 8 a.m. and it's almost 5:30 here. Got some good time in though.
Lame Title
I made it to Colorado.
I'm pretty sure in my last entry I talked about how I was feeling really uneasy going into this whole thing. When I was picked up to head to the airport, I said to the person taking me, "I'm feeling really anxious." They replied, "Well, I guess that gives you something to give to God this morning then huh?" Instead of agreeing, I just sat there and I felt angry. Why do I feel so easily angered when it comes to stuff with God lately? I didn't want to give it up to him. I think to myself, "Psh, yeah right." I held onto it the entire ride and I knew what I was doing. I was adamantly saying a big fat NO to God. What in the heck do I do with that one?
All that seemed to go away once I was dropped off at the airport. I get this "I'm a hard-ass so don't mess with me" attitude and I just go. I love that feeling. There's just something about traveling (by myself especially) that fires me up. Maybe it's the feeling of being independent and strong. I feel accomplished, independent, self-sufficient, strong, and maybe even a little more in-control. Not sure if that really makes any sense at all, but it doesn't really have to. I get it in my own head.
Anyway, been trying not to think about too much since I've been here. I've been successful thus far. I have a lot of work to do this week before Julie, Sara and I head down to Denver to hike and whatnot. I'm definitely looking forward to that. Julie and I went on a hike yesterday and that was really good. It was an easy hike, only about 3 miles, we did it pretty fast though and only stopped to take a few pictures . I really like hiking, probably one of my favorite forms of exercise.
Well, I have a lot more that I could write about, but I won't. I'm tired. Adjusting to the elevation and slight time change is catching up to me I guess.
I'm pretty sure in my last entry I talked about how I was feeling really uneasy going into this whole thing. When I was picked up to head to the airport, I said to the person taking me, "I'm feeling really anxious." They replied, "Well, I guess that gives you something to give to God this morning then huh?" Instead of agreeing, I just sat there and I felt angry. Why do I feel so easily angered when it comes to stuff with God lately? I didn't want to give it up to him. I think to myself, "Psh, yeah right." I held onto it the entire ride and I knew what I was doing. I was adamantly saying a big fat NO to God. What in the heck do I do with that one?
All that seemed to go away once I was dropped off at the airport. I get this "I'm a hard-ass so don't mess with me" attitude and I just go. I love that feeling. There's just something about traveling (by myself especially) that fires me up. Maybe it's the feeling of being independent and strong. I feel accomplished, independent, self-sufficient, strong, and maybe even a little more in-control. Not sure if that really makes any sense at all, but it doesn't really have to. I get it in my own head.
Anyway, been trying not to think about too much since I've been here. I've been successful thus far. I have a lot of work to do this week before Julie, Sara and I head down to Denver to hike and whatnot. I'm definitely looking forward to that. Julie and I went on a hike yesterday and that was really good. It was an easy hike, only about 3 miles, we did it pretty fast though and only stopped to take a few pictures . I really like hiking, probably one of my favorite forms of exercise.
Well, I have a lot more that I could write about, but I won't. I'm tired. Adjusting to the elevation and slight time change is catching up to me I guess.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Emerson Quote
"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I like this quote. That's all.
I like this quote. That's all.
Departing to Denver
So, tomorrow morning (well, today now) I will be headed to the airport to catch my flight to Denver. I have mixed feelings about it and I'm not exactly sure why. As I was packing my bag and crossing off my lists of the day I realized how torn I was feeling about leaving for the month. I'm excited, sad, afraid, nervous, happy and unsure all at the same time it seems. I was talking to one of my best friends today and I told her that I think part of the reason I'm feeling this uneasiness is because I'm starting to figure out why I leave all the time, why I always feel this intense pull (or push) to be going somewhere. I keep moving because when I'm going somewhere, I don't have to think about all of the "stuff" and I don't have to worry about the dust settling in my soul. But I think I'm to the point where the time between landing somewhere and the dust settling is becoming shorter and shorter.
I think God's got something to say to me.
Not sure if I want to hear it. Maybe it's waiting for me there, maybe it's not. Maybe this timidity is stemming from somewhere else. I feel like I'm just waiting for this big smack in the face or something and I can't really explain it. I probably sound a little crazy but it all makes some sense in my head at least. Am I over analyzing? Am I putting too much into this and not keeping it simple enough? Is this a stirring of some kind? I'm not sure.
I'll wake up in the morning, give myself a pep talk and walk out the door (once again) with my backpack on my back and duffel on my shoulder. I'll look out and face the world that awaits me there.
I think God's got something to say to me.
Not sure if I want to hear it. Maybe it's waiting for me there, maybe it's not. Maybe this timidity is stemming from somewhere else. I feel like I'm just waiting for this big smack in the face or something and I can't really explain it. I probably sound a little crazy but it all makes some sense in my head at least. Am I over analyzing? Am I putting too much into this and not keeping it simple enough? Is this a stirring of some kind? I'm not sure.
I'll wake up in the morning, give myself a pep talk and walk out the door (once again) with my backpack on my back and duffel on my shoulder. I'll look out and face the world that awaits me there.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Two reflections
Always going somewhere.
That's how I've spent my break. I never fully "settled" anywhere. Living out of my duffel bag and whatever is in my car has never been bad, I've done it quite a bit since I don't really have a safe landing place. But for some reason, I was itching by the end of these last two-ish weeks, to finally land somewhere and stay for a few days. Unfortunately, that's not happening as I'm here for another 2 days and then I'm on a plane to Colorado. Yet at the same time I know that when I'm in one place for an extended period of time, I itch to be on the road or going somewhere again. Anyway, while I was driving on one of my lengthy commutes during this break I was thinking about why I always feel this pull to be going somewhere.
I haven't figured it all out but one thing that came to mind was that I feel more in control, more secure and even more accomplished when I'm going somewhere. I get to decide when I leave, how long I stay, where I'm going next. I feel like I'm doing something important, whether it really is or not, I feel a sense of accomplishment because I'm taking charge and I'm moving on. I can go wherever the hell I want to, whenever I want to and no one really has the power to stop me. Another thought that popped into my mind, one that I don't really want to dwell on for some reason, is that I'm running. I keep moving because I'm afraid that if I'm in one place for too long, something will surface that I have worked so hard and for so long to repress. I keep going, I keep moving, I keep fighting so that nothing can "catch up" with me. I'm realizing that it's becoming harder and harder to keep that stuff at a distance, to keep it anchored to the bottom. But, the chain is getting rusty, the bolts are getting weaker and that stuff is creeping its way to the surface. I'm not cool with that. I feel like I need to go farther away, I need to me gone more than I already am so that nothing can chase me. Nothing can touch me.
I've got a parachute.
I was sitting with a friend today and we were having a good conversation when she said something that struck me. It was one of those moments where you forget about everything else that was said that bring it up in the first place. She said, "Because home isn't a place you've ever run to and it doesn't build you up...you've learned to place your stock heavily in other relationships. But, it's like you've got a parachute strapped to your back all the time. You're just waiting for something to happen to make you jump again. You know how to burn your bridges at the first sign of hurt." I think I'm still chewing on that one.
That's how I've spent my break. I never fully "settled" anywhere. Living out of my duffel bag and whatever is in my car has never been bad, I've done it quite a bit since I don't really have a safe landing place. But for some reason, I was itching by the end of these last two-ish weeks, to finally land somewhere and stay for a few days. Unfortunately, that's not happening as I'm here for another 2 days and then I'm on a plane to Colorado. Yet at the same time I know that when I'm in one place for an extended period of time, I itch to be on the road or going somewhere again. Anyway, while I was driving on one of my lengthy commutes during this break I was thinking about why I always feel this pull to be going somewhere.
I haven't figured it all out but one thing that came to mind was that I feel more in control, more secure and even more accomplished when I'm going somewhere. I get to decide when I leave, how long I stay, where I'm going next. I feel like I'm doing something important, whether it really is or not, I feel a sense of accomplishment because I'm taking charge and I'm moving on. I can go wherever the hell I want to, whenever I want to and no one really has the power to stop me. Another thought that popped into my mind, one that I don't really want to dwell on for some reason, is that I'm running. I keep moving because I'm afraid that if I'm in one place for too long, something will surface that I have worked so hard and for so long to repress. I keep going, I keep moving, I keep fighting so that nothing can "catch up" with me. I'm realizing that it's becoming harder and harder to keep that stuff at a distance, to keep it anchored to the bottom. But, the chain is getting rusty, the bolts are getting weaker and that stuff is creeping its way to the surface. I'm not cool with that. I feel like I need to go farther away, I need to me gone more than I already am so that nothing can chase me. Nothing can touch me.
I've got a parachute.
I was sitting with a friend today and we were having a good conversation when she said something that struck me. It was one of those moments where you forget about everything else that was said that bring it up in the first place. She said, "Because home isn't a place you've ever run to and it doesn't build you up...you've learned to place your stock heavily in other relationships. But, it's like you've got a parachute strapped to your back all the time. You're just waiting for something to happen to make you jump again. You know how to burn your bridges at the first sign of hurt." I think I'm still chewing on that one.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Bullet-points
Today wasn't my favorite day. I have so much to blog about but unfortunately I'm not in a place where I can, nor do I have the time. So that I don't forget, I'll bullet point a quick list...
- New Years - resolutions and time passing by
- Anger - that I found today
- Life as a nomad - always going somewhere
- Parameters in relationship - how does it work?
- Finishing that book - "The Road to Daybreak" by Henri Nouwen
- Sunday - church in G-rap
- When integrity loses
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