Sunday, February 27, 2011
How He Loves - A Story from John Mark McMillan
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Painting Trees
I've had this thing lately with painting different forms of trees. Acrylics on stretched canvas panels. Not really sure what that means, but that's all I've had the desire to paint over the last few months. Its the only thing I have a vision of when I go to put the brush to paint and then onto the canvas. Every tree looks different, and really, maybe it doesn't look exactly like a tree. Although, no tree is the same. The last 3 that I've painted have been black trees with sweet sky backdrops. It's like when the sun is setting out my back window and the trees look black because the light shines from a different direction that doesn't give them any color.
There's just something so simple, so unique to me about trees. Sounds a little spacey and weird maybe but it's like they never stop growing. They shed leaves in the fall, re-grow in the spring. They get damaged and cut but can patch themselves up over time. The roots go deep into the soil and no one can see them. But the roots, those are what nurture the trees growth. Some roots are strong and above the ground while others are smaller, fatter, longer, shorter than others and are hidden underground so no one can see them. The roots are hard to get to. Trees are everywhere, though not one is the exact same as another.
Anyway, random thought blabberings about trees and my weird tendency toward painting them lately.
There's just something so simple, so unique to me about trees. Sounds a little spacey and weird maybe but it's like they never stop growing. They shed leaves in the fall, re-grow in the spring. They get damaged and cut but can patch themselves up over time. The roots go deep into the soil and no one can see them. But the roots, those are what nurture the trees growth. Some roots are strong and above the ground while others are smaller, fatter, longer, shorter than others and are hidden underground so no one can see them. The roots are hard to get to. Trees are everywhere, though not one is the exact same as another.
Anyway, random thought blabberings about trees and my weird tendency toward painting them lately.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Cedar Bend
It's been a while and there's so much that I could write about. For now though, I'll stick to copying part of a journal entry from last weekend.
(February 12, 2011)
Morning - I love Cedar Bend. I was thinking last night as I went snowshoeing with some people...this is a safe place for me. I just love being here. I really feel at home here. Cedar Bend is a place where I feel the most okay.
Evening - After spending the day outside doing fun stuff, wasting energy, I came back and took a shower, read some and tried to lay down for a bit to some worship music. Something not typical for me, but for some reason, it feels more okay here. Alice came up to the room to find me and Kim. She invited us to come over to the house tonight after we had our group chapel. I was hesitant to go because I would normally keep myself at a distance to safeguard myself from the hurt I'm already feeling about leaving this place. But I went anyways. Went out on a limb and was reminded of a question I was asked at the beginning of this year, "What if you only had one year to live...then what? Would you grow close to people or distance yourself and run away?" So we went and it was so bittersweet. Much more sweet in the beginning and way bitter when we decided to leave. There's just something about this place that has a piece of me, it holds parts of my heart. Sounds cheesy maybe, but it's true. I've learned so much here, its safe to grow here, its comfortable and I'm at ease. I can simply be here if I want to. Every single time I've come here it seems that God says something to me that I always remember. Or he reminds me of something that I'll never forget. The lessons learned, Gods words discovered and walls broken down here are so priceless. I can't even explain it really. This place, Dan and Alice, have given so much to me that I could never give back enough to say thank you.
When I was here last, in the fall with my newest core group, my instructor said something about meeting people like Dan and Alice. Like they possess something that he wants. I get that now. I understand what he meant. There's not really a way to describe what it is exactly but there is definitely something. I can't get enough of it. I want to stay and be a part of it. I don't want to know what it's like to finally leave it but unfortunately, I need to. How do I let go of the one place in the world that I feel at home? Comfortable. Safe. Myself. Peace. Security. It's like the world stops here and nothing can interfere with how I feel. Nothing touches me here. It's so big here, so silent. So removed. Like nowhere I've ever been. I can only pray that I can find this place, somewhere else. I can only hope that I will take Cedar Bend with me and that I will be able to find peace, security and comfort in the memory of it. I can only hope that this isn't a "goodbye" but instead a "see ya later." I don't want to walk away from this place where I've found a home.
(February 12, 2011)
Morning - I love Cedar Bend. I was thinking last night as I went snowshoeing with some people...this is a safe place for me. I just love being here. I really feel at home here. Cedar Bend is a place where I feel the most okay.
Evening - After spending the day outside doing fun stuff, wasting energy, I came back and took a shower, read some and tried to lay down for a bit to some worship music. Something not typical for me, but for some reason, it feels more okay here. Alice came up to the room to find me and Kim. She invited us to come over to the house tonight after we had our group chapel. I was hesitant to go because I would normally keep myself at a distance to safeguard myself from the hurt I'm already feeling about leaving this place. But I went anyways. Went out on a limb and was reminded of a question I was asked at the beginning of this year, "What if you only had one year to live...then what? Would you grow close to people or distance yourself and run away?" So we went and it was so bittersweet. Much more sweet in the beginning and way bitter when we decided to leave. There's just something about this place that has a piece of me, it holds parts of my heart. Sounds cheesy maybe, but it's true. I've learned so much here, its safe to grow here, its comfortable and I'm at ease. I can simply be here if I want to. Every single time I've come here it seems that God says something to me that I always remember. Or he reminds me of something that I'll never forget. The lessons learned, Gods words discovered and walls broken down here are so priceless. I can't even explain it really. This place, Dan and Alice, have given so much to me that I could never give back enough to say thank you.
When I was here last, in the fall with my newest core group, my instructor said something about meeting people like Dan and Alice. Like they possess something that he wants. I get that now. I understand what he meant. There's not really a way to describe what it is exactly but there is definitely something. I can't get enough of it. I want to stay and be a part of it. I don't want to know what it's like to finally leave it but unfortunately, I need to. How do I let go of the one place in the world that I feel at home? Comfortable. Safe. Myself. Peace. Security. It's like the world stops here and nothing can interfere with how I feel. Nothing touches me here. It's so big here, so silent. So removed. Like nowhere I've ever been. I can only pray that I can find this place, somewhere else. I can only hope that I will take Cedar Bend with me and that I will be able to find peace, security and comfort in the memory of it. I can only hope that this isn't a "goodbye" but instead a "see ya later." I don't want to walk away from this place where I've found a home.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Skepticism vs. Cynicism
I went to the Faith and International Development Conference this weekend at Calvin College. I feel that I did not learn as much as I did last year, but that is to be expected I guess with attending the same conference twice. Anyhow, one of the breakout sessions I went to was with Compassion International and Scott Todd spoke. I thought that the things he had to say were very moving and well said, but there was one thing that stood out to me.
He mentioned in the beginning of his presentation that he was a skeptic. When he was a young toddler his mother gave him the nickname "the judge" because he was always serious and never smiled. He went onto explain that there was a difference between being a skeptic and a cynic and it is important to not confuse the two. He said that a cynic is someone who stays in the negative, maybe they even thrive in it while a skeptic is someone who naturally doubts or has a questioning attitude about things that are normally taken at face value. I had never really thought about the difference between the two and it made me wonder which form I side with. I'd like to think that I'm more of a skeptic but when I google def'd the word cynic, I saw things like, "a cynical feeling of distrust," "a person who believes people are motivated by selfishness," and "someone who is critical of the motives of others." I will admit that I think this way sometimes. I have a generally distrusting attitude toward people and I question people's motives more often than not. But, I'm also skeptical of the information I hear and what people tell me but, is it because I'm a cynic that I naturally doubt and have a questioning attitude. Are these two qualities interchangable? How do I make the distinction?
Anyway, that for sure wasn't the point of his entire presentation but it stuck out to me and I figured it was worth tossing around in this little box. More about the conference later I'm sure.
He mentioned in the beginning of his presentation that he was a skeptic. When he was a young toddler his mother gave him the nickname "the judge" because he was always serious and never smiled. He went onto explain that there was a difference between being a skeptic and a cynic and it is important to not confuse the two. He said that a cynic is someone who stays in the negative, maybe they even thrive in it while a skeptic is someone who naturally doubts or has a questioning attitude about things that are normally taken at face value. I had never really thought about the difference between the two and it made me wonder which form I side with. I'd like to think that I'm more of a skeptic but when I google def'd the word cynic, I saw things like, "a cynical feeling of distrust," "a person who believes people are motivated by selfishness," and "someone who is critical of the motives of others." I will admit that I think this way sometimes. I have a generally distrusting attitude toward people and I question people's motives more often than not. But, I'm also skeptical of the information I hear and what people tell me but, is it because I'm a cynic that I naturally doubt and have a questioning attitude. Are these two qualities interchangable? How do I make the distinction?
Anyway, that for sure wasn't the point of his entire presentation but it stuck out to me and I figured it was worth tossing around in this little box. More about the conference later I'm sure.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
