Two reflections

Always going somewhere. 

That's how I've spent my break. I never fully "settled" anywhere. Living out of my duffel bag and whatever is in my car has never been bad, I've done it quite a bit since I don't really have a safe landing place. But for some reason, I was itching by the end of these last two-ish weeks, to finally land somewhere and stay for a few days. Unfortunately, that's not happening as I'm here for another 2 days and then I'm on a plane to Colorado. Yet at the same time I know that when I'm in one place for an extended period of time, I itch to be on the road or going somewhere again. Anyway, while I was driving on one of my lengthy commutes during this break I was thinking about why I always feel this pull to be going somewhere.

I haven't figured it all out but one thing that came to mind was that I feel more in control, more secure and even more accomplished when I'm going somewhere. I get to decide when I leave, how long I stay, where I'm going next. I feel like I'm doing something important, whether it really is or not, I feel a sense of accomplishment because I'm taking charge and I'm moving on. I can go wherever the hell I want to, whenever I want to and no one really has the power to stop me. Another thought that popped into my mind, one that I don't really want to dwell on for some reason, is that I'm running. I keep moving because I'm afraid that if I'm in one place for too long, something will surface that I have worked so hard and for so long to repress. I keep going, I keep moving, I keep fighting so that nothing can "catch up" with me. I'm realizing that it's becoming harder and harder to keep that stuff at a distance, to keep it anchored to the bottom. But, the chain is getting rusty, the bolts are getting weaker and that stuff is creeping its way to the surface. I'm not cool with that. I feel like I need to go farther away, I need to me gone more than I already am so that nothing can chase me. Nothing can touch me.

I've got a parachute. 

I was sitting with a friend today and we were having a good conversation when she said something that struck me. It was one of those moments where you forget about everything else that was said that bring it up in the first place. She said, "Because home isn't a place you've ever run to and it doesn't build you up...you've learned to place your stock heavily in other relationships. But, it's like you've got a parachute strapped to your back all the time. You're just waiting for something to happen to make you jump again. You know how to burn your bridges at the first sign of hurt." I think I'm still chewing on that one.