I feel like I come back to this thought so often. Too often. But the thought of not having a place to call home. A place that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can call home and that I belong 100% of the time without worry. I thought I had that for a while, but I was wrong. It's still really difficult not to be resentful or bitter about everything that happened in March.
I was talking with my counselor last weekend when I went to visit the ranch. We got talking about this subject and I ended up mentioning that when I'm far away from the closest thing I call "home"...I think about my biological family more and about what home was like there and in a very strange way, I miss it. He connected it to the fact that even though it sucked and was really awful, that it was always the place that I went. Going there over and over again and being able to call it "home" has trained my brain to still call it home because nothing has been able to fully replace it yet. I walked through that door a thousand + times, all my stuff was there, etc. It was predictable, it was home.
Now I don't have that. He thinks I need more practice, I need more time to re-establish home because without it, my chances of going back are greater. He suggested me bring it up to mom and dad (Joe and Laura) to see what they thought of that when I come back in August. My counselor thinks its really important, and so do I. But I'm absolutely terrified to go down that road again. Granted, this will be a much different approach but I don't want to be rejected. I'm afraid to bring it up and wait to see what they say. And I think that's part of the reason why the separation was so difficult for me. I had just started to re-establish "home" and then it was ripped from me. I actually had a house key for once! That in and of itself was a really big deal for me. Like, huge. A house key that represents a safe place where I am loved and I belong, always. No matter what. It was nice to have a house key on my key ring and not just my lonely car key which has served as home to me too many times before. That's usually the only place I have to go.
As I've been thinking about all of this and processing the conversation with my counselor, trying to figure out what to do with it, I realized...I haven't lived in one place for more than 9 months since I was 7 years old.
Sick.
Even though I was in and out during middle school and high school, there was still home. The house that I could go to where all of my things were, where the people were familiar (yet awful) and I knew what was coming to me if I left my shoes in the wrong place. In a twisted way, the familiarity of it all provided some comfort. It was the sense of knowing that was comforting. Although my mother (Sonia) was pretty unpredictable, there was still something familiar about her irregularity. At any rate, still wrestling with this and I'm not sure if I will bring it up to mom and dad because I am quite fearful. I guess I'll figure it out eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
I can hardly stand it
So yeah, I'm in San Diego...been here for 2 weeks. As beautiful as
this place is and as much as there is to do here...it doesn't matter if
you're alone.
Yes, I have a team of people. But I'm their boss, I can't be their good friend. There has to be an "appropriate distance" between them and me. The community here is fine, except that no one has really shown us any hospitality. I don't know anyone here. I feel so isolated and I want to go home. Today is my "day off" and I don't know what to do with it. I'm an introvert by nature, yeah, but too much alone time has not ever served me well. I find myself getting anxious, heart racing. Every time I go into the city I get lost and the people here aren't exactly friendly. I live in the Mexican ghetto, a scary place to be.
It's times like these when I get angry at God. Why did you send me here!? In your word, you say that I'm not alone...but when I talk to you, you never talk back! I'm listening, I've been sitting in silence for hours. Just say something. DO something. In all the times in my life when you could have stepped in and you didn't...now's your chance to make up for it. Just this one small thing. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to be isolated. I'm sick of missing my family, my friends. I want to be around the people that know me and love me. Maybe these wounds were too fresh to venture out like this. Granted, it's only 3 months...but I'm dying here. Feels like I've been here forever.
I haven't lived in one place for longer than 9 months since I was 7 years old. I'm sick of moving, I'm sick of transition. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm pissed off and depressed. I want to go home and God, I'm pissed off at you. I don't know why you do this shit to me, but I'm sick of it. Can't you hear me?! It feels like you always make it clear where you want me to go, but you're never in that place when I get there. Stop leaving me. I've had too many people in my life do that and I can't tolerate another one. Especially you. I'm so angry I can hardly stand it.
Yes, I have a team of people. But I'm their boss, I can't be their good friend. There has to be an "appropriate distance" between them and me. The community here is fine, except that no one has really shown us any hospitality. I don't know anyone here. I feel so isolated and I want to go home. Today is my "day off" and I don't know what to do with it. I'm an introvert by nature, yeah, but too much alone time has not ever served me well. I find myself getting anxious, heart racing. Every time I go into the city I get lost and the people here aren't exactly friendly. I live in the Mexican ghetto, a scary place to be.
It's times like these when I get angry at God. Why did you send me here!? In your word, you say that I'm not alone...but when I talk to you, you never talk back! I'm listening, I've been sitting in silence for hours. Just say something. DO something. In all the times in my life when you could have stepped in and you didn't...now's your chance to make up for it. Just this one small thing. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to be isolated. I'm sick of missing my family, my friends. I want to be around the people that know me and love me. Maybe these wounds were too fresh to venture out like this. Granted, it's only 3 months...but I'm dying here. Feels like I've been here forever.
I haven't lived in one place for longer than 9 months since I was 7 years old. I'm sick of moving, I'm sick of transition. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm pissed off and depressed. I want to go home and God, I'm pissed off at you. I don't know why you do this shit to me, but I'm sick of it. Can't you hear me?! It feels like you always make it clear where you want me to go, but you're never in that place when I get there. Stop leaving me. I've had too many people in my life do that and I can't tolerate another one. Especially you. I'm so angry I can hardly stand it.
Monday, February 13, 2012
I have a sister in-law
My little brother got married today.
I wasn't there.
I wish I knew how to process this whole thing but I honestly don't know where to begin. All I kept thinking today was, "My little brother is getting married today" and feelings of guilt and sadness coupled with anxiety would quickly follow. I played the "what if" game today which has never gotten me anywhere but for some strange reason playing that game is still attractive in some way. Or maybe it's just Satan's way of getting the best of me, who knows. At any rate, "What if I was still an important part of his life...would this have happened?" or "What if I was there...how would it have gone?" and even "What if it won't work out for them...is it somehow my fault?"
I know some of this sounds ridiculous, but it doesn't make the wonder of it all any less real. Last night and all day today, my impulses were telling me to get in my car and drive to Muskegon. No, not to break up the wedding, but to be there. Marriage is kind of a big deal, and he's my little brother. Part of me feels so guilty because regardless of what he's done to me or the things he's said...he's still my little brother. Isn't a wedding one of those events where all is forgotten, maybe even forgiven, for the sake of celebrating a big moment in someone's life who is important to you? I feel like a failure, once again. For not being there, showing support or congratulating my little brother who I helped grow up. I know he screwed up and yeah, he hurt me pretty bad...but was it really bad enough to not show up at his wedding?
There's going to be a real ceremony in July and part of me really hopes that I'll be ready for that, so I can go and celebrate with him. Part of me wonders though, would I be going to appease myself and the desires I have to be the good and faithful sister that I always told him I would be? The sister that I have always been until this point? Yeah, if I'm honest with myself that's definitely a factor that plays into it.
Switching gears a bit...
After my conversation with Joe and Laura on Saturday, I'm still really unsure if this is gonna happen. Some words are stuck in my mind from that conversation and they hurt. I wonder if I'll ever be fully "in" like I picture, or like I had hoped. I wonder if it's even possible. Things will always be different, I will never be blood, I will never be the kid that can go on family vacations or daddy/daughter dances or anything like that. I don't have family history, I don't know my "parents" story, I didn't come from this. This isn't me. And as much as I want it to be, the odds are stacked prrrrrretty high. I'm trying to figure this all out, but is it really worth it for them? I don't know.
What does it even mean to be family? How do I become a part of something I didn't even know could be a reality? I don't know how to do this, I don't know where I fit. This is all so uncomfortable for me and the most familiar thing for my entire life has been so destructive. It's not a good situation, but at the same time it's all I've ever known. Twisted? Yeah. But it's what makes sense to me. When will this make sense? I just want it to start clicking. The longer it takes, the more impatient and impulsive I get...neither of those things have ever put me on a good path in the past.
Oh God, please help me. Be near. Take some stuff off my plate would ya? Please? Thanks for being God. Thanks for not changing when everything else is.
I wasn't there.
I wish I knew how to process this whole thing but I honestly don't know where to begin. All I kept thinking today was, "My little brother is getting married today" and feelings of guilt and sadness coupled with anxiety would quickly follow. I played the "what if" game today which has never gotten me anywhere but for some strange reason playing that game is still attractive in some way. Or maybe it's just Satan's way of getting the best of me, who knows. At any rate, "What if I was still an important part of his life...would this have happened?" or "What if I was there...how would it have gone?" and even "What if it won't work out for them...is it somehow my fault?"
I know some of this sounds ridiculous, but it doesn't make the wonder of it all any less real. Last night and all day today, my impulses were telling me to get in my car and drive to Muskegon. No, not to break up the wedding, but to be there. Marriage is kind of a big deal, and he's my little brother. Part of me feels so guilty because regardless of what he's done to me or the things he's said...he's still my little brother. Isn't a wedding one of those events where all is forgotten, maybe even forgiven, for the sake of celebrating a big moment in someone's life who is important to you? I feel like a failure, once again. For not being there, showing support or congratulating my little brother who I helped grow up. I know he screwed up and yeah, he hurt me pretty bad...but was it really bad enough to not show up at his wedding?
There's going to be a real ceremony in July and part of me really hopes that I'll be ready for that, so I can go and celebrate with him. Part of me wonders though, would I be going to appease myself and the desires I have to be the good and faithful sister that I always told him I would be? The sister that I have always been until this point? Yeah, if I'm honest with myself that's definitely a factor that plays into it.
Switching gears a bit...
After my conversation with Joe and Laura on Saturday, I'm still really unsure if this is gonna happen. Some words are stuck in my mind from that conversation and they hurt. I wonder if I'll ever be fully "in" like I picture, or like I had hoped. I wonder if it's even possible. Things will always be different, I will never be blood, I will never be the kid that can go on family vacations or daddy/daughter dances or anything like that. I don't have family history, I don't know my "parents" story, I didn't come from this. This isn't me. And as much as I want it to be, the odds are stacked prrrrrretty high. I'm trying to figure this all out, but is it really worth it for them? I don't know.
What does it even mean to be family? How do I become a part of something I didn't even know could be a reality? I don't know how to do this, I don't know where I fit. This is all so uncomfortable for me and the most familiar thing for my entire life has been so destructive. It's not a good situation, but at the same time it's all I've ever known. Twisted? Yeah. But it's what makes sense to me. When will this make sense? I just want it to start clicking. The longer it takes, the more impatient and impulsive I get...neither of those things have ever put me on a good path in the past.
Oh God, please help me. Be near. Take some stuff off my plate would ya? Please? Thanks for being God. Thanks for not changing when everything else is.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Closeness from miles away
Side note:
This thought just came in. I think part of what I'm struggling with now too is that I felt much closer to people while I was 2,000+ miles away. Conversation was better, deeper. I knew what was going on in their lives because we felt a constant need to keep each other "in the loop." Now...I go about my day-to-day and I'm almost afraid to ask the deep questions. To talk about the important stuff in this context because they (parentals, Joe and Laura) have told me that it's not "normal" for those types of conversations to happen all the time. And yeah, I'm not expecting it to happen all the time, but it's so sad to me that I feel more distant now than I did while I was in California. It doesn't make much sense. I need to process this some more.
I just felt like I heard "I love you" more and I knew that they were always thinking of me and that when we'd talk I'd have their full attention. We always made special time to have conversations with just the 3 of us. Now...once the kids are in bed it's like chill time and I don't feel like they want to have a conversation with me. And I don't know how to ask for it. It's like, I don't want to be any more of an inconvenience than I already feel that I am. Plus, I don't get hugs anymore. That's a huge downer that's really hard for me. I don't like it. I can't fix it. Everything just feels messed up and it's frustrating. What am I supposed to do? How do I talk about this with them? Because it's driving me insane and I feel that it needs to be addressed. I just don't know what to do about it because I feel that every time I bring something up that I want or feel that I need, it's like saying what they have done and are doing isn't enough for me. That they have failed me in some way when that's not the case at all. Or even worse, that they can't give me what I'm looking for while I'm here but they could give that to me while I was away. Ugh. I don't know. It's all so confusing and I don't know how to talk about it. More thinking to do I suppose....
This thought just came in. I think part of what I'm struggling with now too is that I felt much closer to people while I was 2,000+ miles away. Conversation was better, deeper. I knew what was going on in their lives because we felt a constant need to keep each other "in the loop." Now...I go about my day-to-day and I'm almost afraid to ask the deep questions. To talk about the important stuff in this context because they (parentals, Joe and Laura) have told me that it's not "normal" for those types of conversations to happen all the time. And yeah, I'm not expecting it to happen all the time, but it's so sad to me that I feel more distant now than I did while I was in California. It doesn't make much sense. I need to process this some more.
I just felt like I heard "I love you" more and I knew that they were always thinking of me and that when we'd talk I'd have their full attention. We always made special time to have conversations with just the 3 of us. Now...once the kids are in bed it's like chill time and I don't feel like they want to have a conversation with me. And I don't know how to ask for it. It's like, I don't want to be any more of an inconvenience than I already feel that I am. Plus, I don't get hugs anymore. That's a huge downer that's really hard for me. I don't like it. I can't fix it. Everything just feels messed up and it's frustrating. What am I supposed to do? How do I talk about this with them? Because it's driving me insane and I feel that it needs to be addressed. I just don't know what to do about it because I feel that every time I bring something up that I want or feel that I need, it's like saying what they have done and are doing isn't enough for me. That they have failed me in some way when that's not the case at all. Or even worse, that they can't give me what I'm looking for while I'm here but they could give that to me while I was away. Ugh. I don't know. It's all so confusing and I don't know how to talk about it. More thinking to do I suppose....
Messing it all up
So...still can't get this whole thing outta my head. The piece about not being content. I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. Not only that but the thought that has permeated my mind all day today has been, "Nicole, you're screwing everything up. It's all messed up now."
Where is that thought coming from? Maybe it's coming from the fact that I had a good opportunity out in California and now, what am I doing? NOTHING. I have no job, no source of income, no friends (well, some), I'm not living in adventure. What the hell is the matter with me?! Seriously. I've always been the type to go out, do some crazy shit of an adventure and have the time of my life, leaving nothing behind and just going for it. Now, I can't even stand to live in California for more than six and a half months?! What the hell happened to me?! What changed? Part of me so badly just wants to run away and I'm fighting the urge like none other. It's so intense, the battle inside of me. I can't even describe the tension I'm feeling. It makes me doubt my relationships, my place, what people tell me, if I'm ok, etc. I go through a myriad of emotions just thinking about this "fight or flight" tendency that leans mostly towards flight. But I'm trying so hard to fight the FLIGHT instinct. I notice myself running toward old people, relationships and places that are familiar but not always good. I notice myself getting more impulsive and careless. I don't get it.
What the hell is the matter with me? Why couldn't I have just "stuck it out"? Was I wrong for coming back so soon? Am I going to go insane by living at home and being here? Today, at late lunch with some of my guy friends one of them asked me, "So, you're like, here permanently now?"
Woah. That threw me. Permanently? What the f***?! I've never been permanently ANYWHERE. It scared the shit outta me and I didn't know what to say other than shrug my shoulders and give a half-assed "yeah." This whole thing is totally freaking me out. I don't know what to make of it. It's kinda frustrating. I'm annoyed with myself.
Where is that thought coming from? Maybe it's coming from the fact that I had a good opportunity out in California and now, what am I doing? NOTHING. I have no job, no source of income, no friends (well, some), I'm not living in adventure. What the hell is the matter with me?! Seriously. I've always been the type to go out, do some crazy shit of an adventure and have the time of my life, leaving nothing behind and just going for it. Now, I can't even stand to live in California for more than six and a half months?! What the hell happened to me?! What changed? Part of me so badly just wants to run away and I'm fighting the urge like none other. It's so intense, the battle inside of me. I can't even describe the tension I'm feeling. It makes me doubt my relationships, my place, what people tell me, if I'm ok, etc. I go through a myriad of emotions just thinking about this "fight or flight" tendency that leans mostly towards flight. But I'm trying so hard to fight the FLIGHT instinct. I notice myself running toward old people, relationships and places that are familiar but not always good. I notice myself getting more impulsive and careless. I don't get it.
What the hell is the matter with me? Why couldn't I have just "stuck it out"? Was I wrong for coming back so soon? Am I going to go insane by living at home and being here? Today, at late lunch with some of my guy friends one of them asked me, "So, you're like, here permanently now?"
Woah. That threw me. Permanently? What the f***?! I've never been permanently ANYWHERE. It scared the shit outta me and I didn't know what to say other than shrug my shoulders and give a half-assed "yeah." This whole thing is totally freaking me out. I don't know what to make of it. It's kinda frustrating. I'm annoyed with myself.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Never content
Alright blog, you're gonna hafta forgive me for not giving you much attention over the last 6 or 7 months. Get over it, I'm getting to the point...
Why can I never be content in ONE place? Seriously. I just moved home from California where I spent the last six and a half months working at a residential counseling facility for at-risk youth. Great right? Yeah. Well, on my way back from the airport this morning after dropping of my "dad" and "grandpa", sending them off to go get my car in California...I realized that my time there was the FIRST time in my LIFE that I have actually planted myself for a decent amount of time. Literally, planted. I only had 20-some hours off a week and couldn't go anywhere. It drove me insane. And although there was a sense of feeling trapped and "caged-in", with that, there also came a sense of freedom. I didn't have to worry about what to do over the weekend, where to go, who to see, what my next move would be if something bad happened or if someone needed me. Everything that was my life, was right. there. All in one place, all at the same time. Crazy isn't it?
Today, much of my thoughts revolved around my experience out there, why I decided to jump on a plane to come home, what I miss, what I hated, what is next for me, what I expect out of being home and learning what it's like to actually "settle in" to a steady family lifestyle...a life where I am loved, I am safe and I belong.
I have a really difficult time believing all three of those things. Particularly, right now, the "I belong" piece feels really shifty. I don't feel that I have a place to belong. I'm so used to running that I haven't really allowed myself to belong...anywhere. Where is my HOME?! I mean, really. Yeah, I call this place home, but lately I don't feel at home. In Cali, I didn't feel at home. In college, I was always going somewhere, booked, busy and bouncing from place to place all the time, I didn't feel at home. And where I grew up...psh, yeah, that's a long ways from feeling like home. Do I really belong anywhere? I don't know how to answer that right now.
As much as I want to use the rest of this blog entry as a sounding board for complaints, negativity and bitterness...I won't. Maybe some other time.
Why can I never be content in ONE place? Seriously. I just moved home from California where I spent the last six and a half months working at a residential counseling facility for at-risk youth. Great right? Yeah. Well, on my way back from the airport this morning after dropping of my "dad" and "grandpa", sending them off to go get my car in California...I realized that my time there was the FIRST time in my LIFE that I have actually planted myself for a decent amount of time. Literally, planted. I only had 20-some hours off a week and couldn't go anywhere. It drove me insane. And although there was a sense of feeling trapped and "caged-in", with that, there also came a sense of freedom. I didn't have to worry about what to do over the weekend, where to go, who to see, what my next move would be if something bad happened or if someone needed me. Everything that was my life, was right. there. All in one place, all at the same time. Crazy isn't it?
Today, much of my thoughts revolved around my experience out there, why I decided to jump on a plane to come home, what I miss, what I hated, what is next for me, what I expect out of being home and learning what it's like to actually "settle in" to a steady family lifestyle...a life where I am loved, I am safe and I belong.
I have a really difficult time believing all three of those things. Particularly, right now, the "I belong" piece feels really shifty. I don't feel that I have a place to belong. I'm so used to running that I haven't really allowed myself to belong...anywhere. Where is my HOME?! I mean, really. Yeah, I call this place home, but lately I don't feel at home. In Cali, I didn't feel at home. In college, I was always going somewhere, booked, busy and bouncing from place to place all the time, I didn't feel at home. And where I grew up...psh, yeah, that's a long ways from feeling like home. Do I really belong anywhere? I don't know how to answer that right now.
As much as I want to use the rest of this blog entry as a sounding board for complaints, negativity and bitterness...I won't. Maybe some other time.
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