I wrote a little autobiography

So, yesterday I sent in the rest of my application and stuff for CEM, the position I'm applying for after I graduate. I had to write a 5-10 page autobiography and a statement of faith. You'd think that writing a 5-10 page paper about yourself would be easy, but I had a really hard time with it. Before I came out here to Colorado, I had already started this thing 3 different times and hated every draft that I had started writing. I had given myself the deadline that it had to be in the mail yesterday by 5 p.m. I accomplished it, but I literally worked on it all.day.long. I was up early, and I finished it at 3:30 to proofread. It ended up being almost 8 pages, but I think writing it was difficult for a bunch of different reasons. I kept stopping as I was writing and thinking to myself, "There's so much more that I could put in there" or "I can't believe this is my life" or "I really don't want them to know that" and a bunch of other things.

It was weird to read it over before printing it. I was like an outsider looking in on my life knowing that there was a lot more that I could have put in there. I can't even explain it yet. I want to read it over again. I think I realized just how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and open, even on a piece of paper. Granted, I had to send it to people I've never met or seen before in my life but still. I had such a hard time sitting with myself writing that paper. I went back and forth with myself several times about what I should include and what I shouldn't. I really didn't like writing it. I had to remember a lot of things that I've been trying for so long to forget. But I had to write about it because it's shaped me. I feel like at the end of writing it I realized that I have so much work to do. I have so much to become, so much to learn and so much to heal from. I felt more discouraged and depressed after writing it. I felt a greater sense of brokenness. There's a lot that I don't know about myself, a lot that's been covered for so long. Does it need to come out? Yeah, I think so. But when is the time? With whom will I share it? What will come of it? How will I feel when it's out there, on the table, in the open, uncovered?

I'm so afraid. I don't know what it will look like. I can only hope that I will feel a sense of relief. I can only hope that I will know what it feels like to be known by someone. I can only hope that it will bring healing to my life by sharing in a conversation with someone I can trust. Trust. Who is this person? I feel like praying, "God...will you show me what to do with this? I'm terrified, but I'm coming to the end of my rope. I'm crashing and falling faster and faster. Will you please just come to me? I feel like you have gone away from me and you won't return until I decide to let this all go. Is it true? Have you abandoned me?!"

I could go on, but I won't. I get to this point where I feel to open and vulnerable and I start to sense emotion coming over me. I hate emotions. Ugg.