I have a sister in-law

My little brother got married today.

I wasn't there.

I wish I knew how to process this whole thing but I honestly don't know where to begin. All I kept thinking today was, "My little brother is getting married today" and feelings of guilt and sadness coupled with anxiety would quickly follow. I played the "what if" game today which has never gotten me anywhere but for some strange reason playing that game is still attractive in some way. Or maybe it's just Satan's way of getting the best of me, who knows. At any rate, "What if I was still an important part of his life...would this have happened?" or "What if I was there...how would it have gone?" and even "What if it won't work out for them...is it somehow my fault?"

I know some of this sounds ridiculous, but it doesn't make the wonder of it all any less real. Last night and all day today, my impulses were telling me to get in my car and drive to Muskegon. No, not to break up the wedding, but to be there. Marriage is kind of a big deal, and he's my little brother. Part of me feels so guilty because regardless of what he's done to me or the things he's said...he's still my little brother. Isn't a wedding one of those events where all is forgotten, maybe even forgiven, for the sake of celebrating a big moment in someone's life who is important to you? I feel like a failure, once again. For not being there, showing support or congratulating my little brother who I helped grow up. I know he screwed up and yeah, he hurt me pretty bad...but was it really bad enough to not show up at his wedding?

There's going to be a real ceremony in July and part of me really hopes that I'll be ready for that, so I can go and celebrate with him. Part of me wonders though, would I be going to appease myself and the desires I have to be the good and faithful sister that I always told him I would be? The sister that I have always been until this point? Yeah, if I'm honest with myself that's definitely a factor that plays into it.

Switching gears a bit...
After my conversation with Joe and Laura on Saturday, I'm still really unsure if this is gonna happen. Some words are stuck in my mind from that conversation and they hurt. I wonder if I'll ever be fully "in" like I picture, or like I had hoped. I wonder if it's even possible. Things will always be different, I will never be blood, I will never be the kid that can go on family vacations or daddy/daughter dances or anything like that. I don't have family history, I don't know my "parents" story, I didn't come from this. This isn't me. And as much as I want it to be, the odds are stacked prrrrrretty high. I'm trying to figure this all out, but is it really worth it for them? I don't know.

What does it even mean to be family? How do I become a part of something I didn't even know could be a reality? I don't know how to do this, I don't know where I fit. This is all so uncomfortable for me and the most familiar thing for my entire life has been so destructive. It's not a good situation, but at the same time it's all I've ever known. Twisted? Yeah. But it's what makes sense to me. When will this make sense? I just want it to start clicking. The longer it takes, the more impatient and impulsive I get...neither of those things have ever put me on a good path in the past.

Oh God, please help me. Be near. Take some stuff off my plate would ya? Please? Thanks for being God. Thanks for not changing when everything else is.