Messing it all up

So...still can't get this whole thing outta my head. The piece about not being content. I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. Not only that but the thought that has permeated my mind all day today has been, "Nicole, you're screwing everything up. It's all messed up now."

Where is that thought coming from? Maybe it's coming from the fact that I had a good opportunity out in California and now, what am I doing? NOTHING. I have no job, no source of income, no friends (well, some), I'm not living in adventure. What the hell is the matter with me?! Seriously. I've always been the type to go out, do some crazy shit of an adventure and have the time of my life, leaving nothing behind and just going for it. Now, I can't even stand to live in California for more than six and a half months?! What the hell happened to me?! What changed? Part of me so badly just wants to run away and I'm fighting the urge like none other. It's so intense, the battle inside of me. I can't even describe the tension I'm feeling. It makes me doubt my relationships, my place, what people tell me, if I'm ok, etc. I go through a myriad of emotions just thinking about this "fight or flight" tendency that leans mostly towards flight. But I'm trying so hard to fight the FLIGHT instinct. I notice myself running toward old people, relationships and places that are familiar but not always good. I notice myself getting more impulsive and careless. I don't get it.

What the hell is the matter with me? Why couldn't I have just "stuck it out"? Was I wrong for coming back so soon? Am I going to go insane by living at home and being here? Today, at late lunch with some of my guy friends one of them asked me, "So, you're like, here permanently now?"

Woah. That threw me. Permanently? What the f***?! I've never been permanently ANYWHERE. It scared the shit outta me and I didn't know what to say other than shrug my shoulders and give a half-assed "yeah." This whole thing is totally freaking me out. I don't know what to make of it. It's kinda frustrating. I'm annoyed with myself.