Never content

Alright blog, you're gonna hafta forgive me for not giving you much attention over the last 6 or 7 months. Get over it, I'm getting to the point...

Why can I never be content in ONE place? Seriously. I just moved home from California where I spent the last six and a half months working at a residential counseling facility for at-risk youth. Great right? Yeah. Well, on my way back from the airport this morning after dropping of my "dad" and "grandpa", sending them off to go get my car in California...I realized that my time there was the FIRST time in my LIFE that I have actually planted myself for a decent amount of time. Literally, planted. I only had 20-some hours off a week and couldn't go anywhere. It drove me insane. And although there was a sense of feeling trapped and "caged-in", with that, there also came a sense of freedom. I didn't have to worry about what to do over the weekend, where to go, who to see, what my next move would be if something bad happened or if someone needed me. Everything that was my life, was right. there. All in one place, all at the same time. Crazy isn't it?

Today, much of my thoughts revolved around my experience out there, why I decided to jump on a plane to come home, what I miss, what I hated, what is next for me, what I expect out of being home and learning what it's like to actually "settle in" to a steady family lifestyle...a life where I am loved, I am safe and I belong.
I have a really difficult time believing all three of those things. Particularly, right now, the "I belong" piece feels really shifty. I don't feel that I have a place to belong. I'm so used to running that I haven't really allowed myself to belong...anywhere. Where is my HOME?! I mean, really. Yeah, I call this place home, but lately I don't feel at home. In Cali, I didn't feel at home. In college, I was always going somewhere, booked, busy and bouncing from place to place all the time, I didn't feel at home. And where I grew up...psh, yeah, that's a long ways from feeling like home. Do I really belong anywhere? I don't know how to answer that right now.

As much as I want to use the rest of this blog entry as a sounding board for complaints, negativity and bitterness...I won't. Maybe some other time.