My little brother got married today.
I wasn't there.
I wish I knew how to process this whole thing but I honestly don't know where to begin. All I kept thinking today was, "My little brother is getting married today" and feelings of guilt and sadness coupled with anxiety would quickly follow. I played the "what if" game today which has never gotten me anywhere but for some strange reason playing that game is still attractive in some way. Or maybe it's just Satan's way of getting the best of me, who knows. At any rate, "What if I was still an important part of his life...would this have happened?" or "What if I was there...how would it have gone?" and even "What if it won't work out for them...is it somehow my fault?"
I know some of this sounds ridiculous, but it doesn't make the wonder of it all any less real. Last night and all day today, my impulses were telling me to get in my car and drive to Muskegon. No, not to break up the wedding, but to be there. Marriage is kind of a big deal, and he's my little brother. Part of me feels so guilty because regardless of what he's done to me or the things he's said...he's still my little brother. Isn't a wedding one of those events where all is forgotten, maybe even forgiven, for the sake of celebrating a big moment in someone's life who is important to you? I feel like a failure, once again. For not being there, showing support or congratulating my little brother who I helped grow up. I know he screwed up and yeah, he hurt me pretty bad...but was it really bad enough to not show up at his wedding?
There's going to be a real ceremony in July and part of me really hopes that I'll be ready for that, so I can go and celebrate with him. Part of me wonders though, would I be going to appease myself and the desires I have to be the good and faithful sister that I always told him I would be? The sister that I have always been until this point? Yeah, if I'm honest with myself that's definitely a factor that plays into it.
Switching gears a bit...
After my conversation with Joe and Laura on Saturday, I'm still really unsure if this is gonna happen. Some words are stuck in my mind from that conversation and they hurt. I wonder if I'll ever be fully "in" like I picture, or like I had hoped. I wonder if it's even possible. Things will always be different, I will never be blood, I will never be the kid that can go on family vacations or daddy/daughter dances or anything like that. I don't have family history, I don't know my "parents" story, I didn't come from this. This isn't me. And as much as I want it to be, the odds are stacked prrrrrretty high. I'm trying to figure this all out, but is it really worth it for them? I don't know.
What does it even mean to be family? How do I become a part of something I didn't even know could be a reality? I don't know how to do this, I don't know where I fit. This is all so uncomfortable for me and the most familiar thing for my entire life has been so destructive. It's not a good situation, but at the same time it's all I've ever known. Twisted? Yeah. But it's what makes sense to me. When will this make sense? I just want it to start clicking. The longer it takes, the more impatient and impulsive I get...neither of those things have ever put me on a good path in the past.
Oh God, please help me. Be near. Take some stuff off my plate would ya? Please? Thanks for being God. Thanks for not changing when everything else is.
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Nicole,
ReplyDeleteNo one has the same family history. My story differs from Amanda's, whose story is different from Josh's. We are different people, we have different stories. I suppose the fact that we are blood keeps us bonded, but I have said several times that it is you and Kiym that know me- you girls are closer to me than my own 'blood'. And yeah I share a lot of history with my brother and sister and parents, but it is the hope and plans of the future that truly keep us together and make us family- not the past family vacations or dances.
The Niel's have hope and plans for you in their future. That makes you family. They invest in you, forgive your mistakes, share in your joys, laugh with you, challenge you, stretch you, annoy you. That makes them family.
I have a different blood type from all my family members. I almost died at birth because my blood and my mom's blood are so incompatible. I know what you mean when you say you aren't 'blood'- but truly my dear, there is so much more to family than sharing a medical record.
I have heard you say, "I want a black baby". Well, that child won't be your blood. Technically, you are not it's mother. Would you love it any less? Would it be any less your child? Would you not want to punch anyone who dare say your child something along the lines of them not truly belonging to you?
Blood is thick. But LOVE is soooooooo much thicker. You have been part of that family now for almost a year. You have memories with them. Maybe not full-out-everyone-living-in-an-RV-for-a-week family vacations, but you celebrated Christmas with them. And they would love to have you at the next Christmas too.
Everyday, you are creating memories with them. In two years even, I bet those kids will have a hard time remembering life before you. Because family isn't all about the past. It's about today and tomorrow and the days after that. And I know a mom, dad, three kids, one crazy dog, and a rather feisty cat who are planning on having you there for those days. That is their only expectation of you...that you show up. Any love you Get from them, remember they feel it back From you.
Remember, everyday is a new memory. A new story you are creating with a family that loves you. They don't care where you came from, or how you got there, they just care that you are there. And they are grateful for it.
They love you. I love you. God loves you.