Thoughts from a rocking chair

Just about every Wednesday night I babysit a 14 month old boy, Jayden. Now, I've watched him since he was about 6 months old so I feel somewhat connected to the kid. I arrive after the most hectic day (typically) of my week (sloshed with all 3 of my jobs, class, etc.) sometimes stressed out and not in the mood and other times I am more than ready to spend a couple hours with him before putting him to sleep.

Last night I was spent in more ways than one and I was more than ready to 'check out' for the rest of the night. So, we played and I was a little more low-key than usual and even though Jayden can only say a total of (maybe) 10 words at this point in his life, I think he somehow knew I was spent. When it was time for me to give him some milk and put him to sleep, I decided to rock in the chair with him.

He fell asleep ever so slowly in my arms as we rocked. He would drift off and then suddenly open his eyes wide to find me and then fall asleep again. It was almost like he had to make sure he was safe before he could fall asleep again. He had to make sure I was still there, still holding him tight. Now, I'm not so sure he was thinking all of these things but that is what I got out of it. After he fell asleep for a while I kept rocking, closed my eyes and chatted it up with God. Praying for Jayden, his family and a combination of other things that have been on my mind lately. In the quiet, only hearing Jayden breathe softly, I felt God there. It was a 'divine moment' I guess you could call it. It was so surreal. There was just something about it that made me sigh and bask in the presence of God.

On the drive home I was thinking to myself, "I want more of that, more of those moments" and a second or two later, I thought the opposite, "I'm afraid of what I'll discover or what will be uncovered or what I'll hear, the 'closer' I get to God."

Hmm...and here I sit...