As I stand here shaking

I want to be satisfied by you. I want to dive in completely. I want to be healed and gouge out the infection in my wounds. I want more than a band-aid, a temporary fix or a "feel good" solution. I'm tired of being outside of myself. I've been dying inside, wilting slowly for months now. I'm nearing the last knot, if I haven't hit it already and now I'm just slowly slipping.
Will you be the hand that catches my fall?
I want all of these things God, but I'm afraid. I'm struck by this fear that is not of you. I have an idea of what is coming, of what this path looks like. It's rough, it's dark and painful. It's raw. I'm staring down this path, stepping on the line wondering what to do next. I can hear your voice calling from the distance, a very far distance. I can't see you from where I stand, shaking. I can't feel you, I can't feel your touch. It's what I want so desperately.
What would it look like if I broke through this fear that has tangled me in its tight grasp?
I want to experience freedom. I want to know what emotion is an how it is truly felt. I want to be whole. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be stagnant God, where is your hand? Won't you reach for me if I am your beloved? Won't you pull me out of this quickly sinking sand because God, I'm drowning. Don't you see me?
I open my mouth and nothing comes out and you cannot hear my cry. I haven't the courage to make it. I am in this starkly dark, deep cloud of fog and I cannot see you. I cannot feel you. I only faintly hear you far off in the distance, down this frightening path. This terrifying journey.
So I stand here, shaking, struck by fear and stuck in this place. Won't you reach for me, your so called "beloved?" Will I see you?
Will I reach back?